Idk wtf is going on but its like all my friends are falling apart. At least I'm not--not right now. Ive been pretty stable since the 10th of November.
The only way I've been able to handel this is the fact that I am stable right now.
Its just like...suicidal J at 11pm tonight. M and E breaking up. And M telling me she's been suicidal for 3 weeks? I...I just can't keep doing this. Idk what to do other than set limits on when I talk to them. I have my own life to live and own issues and I'm so emotionally drained. I feel myself getting bitter, angry and resentful because I feel like I've just been in this state where I have to constantly be encouraging and talk people down from their crisis--I've been feeling like all I'm doing is giving over and over and all they are doing is taking.
I didn't even text M and E today to see if they are all right. But, I'm just done. I can't keep doing this. Why the hell won't they get help? Why is all this falling on my shoulders? I can't keep being there just because I'm afraid they will hurt themselves if I'm not.
But if they DO hurt themselves....I know I'll feel responsible, at least somewhat. Because I couldn't keep up. I'm not good enough or strong enough or just ENOUGH to support them. I know I've posted about this before,and people have assured me I'm not responsible for them, and have given me resources I can give to them. But its just like...in these moments all they want is ME. And I can't be enough for all of them.
I actually spent most of Monday night, after working a full 8 hrs, with M and E. They were both drinking because of the break up, M crying and E just passed out on the floor. Do you know how difficult it is to reason with a drunk person? To try to give them reasons for living, to validate their feelings and be supportive when they are barely coherent? I eventually convinced M to lie down and sleep on the couch, taking her shoes off and searching for a blanket to put over her. And helped E to his room. I care about both of them deeply, but...I can't be this rock of support for them.
I've never experienced anything like this before. Never had this level of "drama" in my life. I don't like it. And I don't know what to do about it other than to constantly reiterate that they need help. More help than I can give. They need professional help. Why won't they get it? I dont understand why they are relying on me so much when I can't help them. Not really.
Am I enabeling them? Is me being available keeping them from seeking other resources? I guess that is possible. But the thought of me not being there...
Like, I ignored J's call last night cause I was so exhausted with M and E. And he called today to tell me he cried himself to sleep and he nearly hurt himself. WTF am I supposed to do with that info, other than feel immense pressure to be available to EVERYONE all the time.
I can't do this. I just can't. I'm starting to develop this low level of anxiety that I can feel in my chest, weighing me down. And I'm dreading every phone call from J cause he's always on the verge of self harm...
There are other people in their life. Why is all this being dumped on me?
Today is the first day of Advent. I thought I'd post one of my favorite women guides, Carolyn Myss and her talk about how these days are so challenging with the darkness coming so early.Advent is a Time Of Light. Caroline Myss & Robert Holden: Advent - be prepared for a new beginning - YouTubeI don't have any Christmas decorations up yet...Need to get energy, and clean and rearrange...
Body feels like j am being attacked. Keeps jerking, are these symptoms of ptsd.Thanks for ur support on advance. I wish I were a stronger person.