well, you all know how excited i was about my daughter and grandson coming up? well they are here and i feel nothing. i mean i love them both and he is the cutest thing ever, but the only word i can describe how i am feeling is detachment. it's not that i feel blah, i feel void and guilt. i have started writing a journal to take to my pdoc appts and that is all that is in there. today, dh and both girls went out to the barn and i am here with the baby, right now he is sound asleep, and we barely even played. my dh can't leave him alone, constantly holding, talking and playing with him and i just say little bits here and there. i hold him and feed him his bottle and he will fall asleep in my arms so i guess i am comforting, but just not all ga-ga over him like dh. i talked to dh about it last night and he said maybe it was because he wasn't my biological grandson, but i was all over my other grandson and he isn't my biological grandson either(they are both my stepdaughters but i call them my daughters). i don't know, maybe i am overreacting, but i haven't been sleeping at night(and i have been taking my restoril) and feeling terrible and taking more ativan than usual. maybe next week will be better with dh being back at work and kidlet being back at school so that it will just be my daughter, the baby and i. i don't know.
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