On Friday 4/25 I was diagnosed as bipolar with rapid cycling.. So now with all the flooding and the pain and the shaking I am now bipolar.. Great now I have an official title to my craziness.. They switched my med to Geodon and anti psychotic. So not only has my family taken my virginity, childhood fun enjoyment my life now they have taken my sanity. I have had one of the worse days of my life.. I spoke to my family today.. I called how nuts is that. I called my mom and my dad hasn't spoken to me since I confronted my mom on the sexual abuse. Today I was quizzed by my mom of why I havent visited for over a year.. I told her I cant see them.. I love them but cant see them.. I miss them but cant.. Then I said how I cant visit him when he doesn't even talk to me.. He is like dead to me.. She said ohhh he isn't dead he is hear listening to you on the phone. I lost it.. I told him how hurt I am and how he toke my life.. I told him off over the phone and then I started to cry uncontrolled and then I started throwing up.. I dropped the phone and was crying so hard I could stop throwing up.. I picked the phone back up after I calmed down some and they were still there.. My mom aid what do you want him to say... I said I dont know.. I did know I just could figure how to say it then.. She said you want him to say he sorry he never will nor will he ever speak to you again.. We are throwing you to the dogs and I hope they devour you.. I couldn't keep the conversation.. I said well bye then... I hung up.. I was so depressed I started crying and throwing up again.. Then my counselor called and cancelled my appointment tonight she was going to be out all week.. I just wanted to end it all.. But I have a 3yr old I couldn't.. I called a friend she was there to cry with me then had to pick up her son at school she had to go.. Then I called a case manager and she told me to take a breath to file this for my counselor and to do one of my coping skills.. Walking is what popped in so I went over and got rid of the trash and picked up the mail.. I live on a horse farm so that is a walk.. My son went with me and was saying mommy dont cry lets make brownies.. I made it for a 1/2 hr and hubby came home.. He wanted to be sure I didn't cancel my appointment and he then cooked dinner and listened.. I am doing a little better at least I dont want to end my life right now... I am so down I dont know up... I cant take all this pain.. I hate this darkness.. I just want to scream... but I have no breath left.. I cant cry no more I am just numb... I hate myself... my hubby said you love yourself because you love us and we are a part of you... I love my family so much.... but hate my self please help me God... help me love me... I cant keep going like this.
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