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First this is long, but for those of you who are worried about your surviving parent dating....PLEASE READ!!!!
I am a widow now for going on 18 and a half months...The below is a response and part of another to the post "My mother has started dating" by Lost911...it was posted 05-07-07 at 9:05pm....I believe it's all on page 51 or 52, maybe even page 53 of the discussion pages.
First, I have got to say this....for the grown children dealing with issue....WALK ON TINY LITTLE MILE IN YOUR SURVIVING PARENTS SHOES....AND THEN, SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO! Second, for the teenagers dealing with this issue....I am sorry to say this, but it is not all about you. I am raising a now 14 year old daughter...so I know about the "It's all about me phase" !
I am not trying to be mean, but really am tired of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, co-workers, those who know nothing about us, and in-laws of the deceased berating those of us LIVING this night mare that we now call our lives....
Please read and understand that it is by NO means an easy life to live.
Kat
My comment to Lost911 dated 06-06-08 reply #4:
Let me speak as a mom, & a widow of 16 months, from the most wonderful husband of 17 years.
I loved and still love my husband with all my heart and soul...that love will NEVER die, NEVER! We will resume our marriage again someday...that I believe!
I am soon to be 42 yrs. old, raising our 13 year old daughter, being both mom and dad...doing it totally alone.
ALONE...scary damn word...I have hurt and ached every single solitary day since the day John died...never thought I would ever consider dating, until recently.
Friends of mine introduced me to a nice guy...my daughter and my step son(who is 26) gave me their blessings, so we have started to date...but are taking it slow. We both chose to take this dating thing slow for many many reasons....but everyone is DIFFERENT!
I will never ever stop loving John as I said before...but I do not want to be alone, am sick of the heart ache, like the attention I am getting as it makes me feel alive again, that I am worthy, that I won't have to be sad all the time, it feels good, not wrong.
Just because we, your mom and I choose to start dating, does NOT mean that we are dishonoring our husbands....dang, we have needs that need met as well as any other human on this earth! I don't mean those of a sexual nature, companionship is the BIGGEST reason, that and to rejoin the living!
17 years, 34 years...love is love, no matter how long you were with the person...my husband, and I am sure your father as well, would NOT want for our lives to be all about pain, heartache, sadness, living in the past with what we no longer have, to not smile or laugh...I know they would want nothing but happiness for us.
Please...cut her some slack...she has been through enough hell the last 16 months, she does not need anymore...don't cause her any more heartache...if she is happy, then by all means...be happy for her...she deserves it.
Not trying to hurt you, but if you have not walked in her shoes....then never judge her.
Here is a quote: "It is the true season of Love / when we know that / we alone can love; that no one could ever have loved before us / and that no one / will ever Love in the same way / after us." -- Goethe
There will NEVER be another love the same way as John and I loved/love one another....never. There will NEVER be a replacement for John, because as far as I am concerned there is noone that will ever live up to him, he was one in a million...
Just want a smile on my face and on my heart once again...is that selfish? Is it disrespectful to my husband? I don't believe so...
I am a widow now for going on 18 and a half months...The below is a response and part of another to the post "My mother has started dating" by Lost911...it was posted 05-07-07 at 9:05pm....I believe it's all on page 51 or 52, maybe even page 53 of the discussion pages.
First, I have got to say this....for the grown children dealing with issue....WALK ON TINY LITTLE MILE IN YOUR SURVIVING PARENTS SHOES....AND THEN, SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO! Second, for the teenagers dealing with this issue....I am sorry to say this, but it is not all about you. I am raising a now 14 year old daughter...so I know about the "It's all about me phase" !
I am not trying to be mean, but really am tired of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, co-workers, those who know nothing about us, and in-laws of the deceased berating those of us LIVING this night mare that we now call our lives....
Please read and understand that it is by NO means an easy life to live.
Kat
My comment to Lost911 dated 06-06-08 reply #4:
Let me speak as a mom, & a widow of 16 months, from the most wonderful husband of 17 years.
I loved and still love my husband with all my heart and soul...that love will NEVER die, NEVER! We will resume our marriage again someday...that I believe!
I am soon to be 42 yrs. old, raising our 13 year old daughter, being both mom and dad...doing it totally alone.
ALONE...scary damn word...I have hurt and ached every single solitary day since the day John died...never thought I would ever consider dating, until recently.
Friends of mine introduced me to a nice guy...my daughter and my step son(who is 26) gave me their blessings, so we have started to date...but are taking it slow. We both chose to take this dating thing slow for many many reasons....but everyone is DIFFERENT!
I will never ever stop loving John as I said before...but I do not want to be alone, am sick of the heart ache, like the attention I am getting as it makes me feel alive again, that I am worthy, that I won't have to be sad all the time, it feels good, not wrong.
Just because we, your mom and I choose to start dating, does NOT mean that we are dishonoring our husbands....dang, we have needs that need met as well as any other human on this earth! I don't mean those of a sexual nature, companionship is the BIGGEST reason, that and to rejoin the living!
17 years, 34 years...love is love, no matter how long you were with the person...my husband, and I am sure your father as well, would NOT want for our lives to be all about pain, heartache, sadness, living in the past with what we no longer have, to not smile or laugh...I know they would want nothing but happiness for us.
Please...cut her some slack...she has been through enough hell the last 16 months, she does not need anymore...don't cause her any more heartache...if she is happy, then by all means...be happy for her...she deserves it.
Not trying to hurt you, but if you have not walked in her shoes....then never judge her.
Here is a quote: "It is the true season of Love / when we know that / we alone can love; that no one could ever have loved before us / and that no one / will ever Love in the same way / after us." -- Goethe
There will NEVER be another love the same way as John and I loved/love one another....never. There will NEVER be a replacement for John, because as far as I am concerned there is noone that will ever live up to him, he was one in a million...
Just want a smile on my face and on my heart once again...is that selfish? Is it disrespectful to my husband? I don't believe so...
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
There is no set time line....trust your heart...it will never lie to you...and in the same token, protect your heart and take it slow, but also, make your heart sing yet again. There is NO guilt or shame in that.
There is no replacing our spouses....no way possible, and we have to keep that in mind when we first venture out there.
Dating rituals are very scary, something we kind of forgot how to do....and it's frustrating, and it is EXCITING as hell! :o)
I will not judge another single solitary soul ever again until I have taken the walk that they have.
I will never tell someone when to date or not to date....I will only tell what I have told thus far.
My sympathies to your loss...and may your heart sing and dance again when it is ready. Chin up sweetie! Hugs, Kat
Don't we all deserve to love and be loved in return?