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On Wednesday night, I was holding my mom, and telling her that I love her so much, when she stopped breathing. (it was 11:18 pm)We just buried her on Saturday.
I had been strong, up to the point of losing her. (she asked me to be, for my children, so I was doing my best for her.)I would cry a lot, but not in front of her. I was doing so well...
until her breathing slowed, that night.
I was holding her hand, and whispering that I love her so much, and kissing her cheek, as it slowed...
When she was almost gone, I panicked, and I tried to wake her back up. I cried, and begged her not to leave me. (omg it hurts so bad to talk about it.)I got on my knees, and begged God to let me keep her. (My tears, should have brought her back to me)
She left, anyway. There was nothing that I could do about it. (it was leukemia that took her)
Once I finally realized that she wasn't coming back, I sat, and held her for close to an hour. I still continued to kiss her, and ask her to stay with me. I cried away everything that I was that night.
Now, when darkness sets in, I panic each night. I start re-living the entire thing, and I watch the clock, waiting for 11:18 to hit. I'm such a mess, and it feels like it will never get better.
Is there anyone here, that was with their loved one as they stopped breathing, that can tell me that I will get past this? The panic sets in so bad as the time nears. (or will I have trouble forever, like it feels I will?)
I lost my fiance' to suicide 9 years ago. I still have so much trouble with that. (a lot of it is due to guilt)I'm wondering if this will be the same thing. (still so painful, after years and years)
Thank you, for listening.
Lisa
I had been strong, up to the point of losing her. (she asked me to be, for my children, so I was doing my best for her.)I would cry a lot, but not in front of her. I was doing so well...
until her breathing slowed, that night.
I was holding her hand, and whispering that I love her so much, and kissing her cheek, as it slowed...
When she was almost gone, I panicked, and I tried to wake her back up. I cried, and begged her not to leave me. (omg it hurts so bad to talk about it.)I got on my knees, and begged God to let me keep her. (My tears, should have brought her back to me)
She left, anyway. There was nothing that I could do about it. (it was leukemia that took her)
Once I finally realized that she wasn't coming back, I sat, and held her for close to an hour. I still continued to kiss her, and ask her to stay with me. I cried away everything that I was that night.
Now, when darkness sets in, I panic each night. I start re-living the entire thing, and I watch the clock, waiting for 11:18 to hit. I'm such a mess, and it feels like it will never get better.
Is there anyone here, that was with their loved one as they stopped breathing, that can tell me that I will get past this? The panic sets in so bad as the time nears. (or will I have trouble forever, like it feels I will?)
I lost my fiance' to suicide 9 years ago. I still have so much trouble with that. (a lot of it is due to guilt)I'm wondering if this will be the same thing. (still so painful, after years and years)
Thank you, for listening.
Lisa
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
I was with my brother when he took his last breath. He was in the hospital for a few hours after he overdosed (intentionally) on one of his cancer meds.
It has been a few weeks, and I too would panic every time the clock hit 6:44pm, but then I tried something: Rather than treating it as a bad time and reliving the nightmare, I use the time 6:44 as my special moment to talk to him, to tell him how my day went, to ask him how he's doing up there, or wherever he is. I really cherish the few moments that I have with him each day.
I don't know if this would work for you, but there's no harm in trying, right?
I'm not saying that you'll get past this, but it does get easier. I hope that makes you feel a bit better.
When I was 17 I was in a horrible car accident with my best friend. We were trapped in her car and I watched her take her last breath. Like you I felt so helpless and remember screaming for someone to help her. All I really remember from that night is her face, my screams, my feeling of helplessness, and seeing her placed into the ambulance(?)and taken away. I woke up two days later in ICU.
Six years later I still have that vision of her face and feel that total sense of helplessness as I watched her die. My visions are usually in the form of dreams and nightmares.
I would suggest you try and deal with these emotions in the present as you are experiencing them. I didn't deal with my grief at the time and by the time it all surfaced 4 1/2 years later I was an emotional mess.
For me the pain did get less and the memories of that moment have faded also. What I try to hold on to are the good memories of the times I shared with Sarah. The double dates, the homecomings and prom we went to. The sleepovers and all those silly things teenagers do when they can. And I'm sure you have many of those unforgetable moments you shared with your mom.
I started counceling about a year ago to help me deal with all this and it has helped. Perhaps this may help you get past your fiance's suicide and better deal with the emotions you feel about your mom.
I hope in some way my comments have helped you.
My prayers will be with you.
Jenna
i never seem to be aware of the exact time that he passed away, because i am always busy at work.
my mother after almost 5 years, still visits my dad's grave at the exact time that he passed away.
everyone is different. you will get pass this.
we are here for you.