I lost my mother 3 years ago this month to lung cancer. I also lost my dad 3 years ago to esophogeal cancer in Jan 2004. People talk about feeling their loved ones, seeing their spirits, etc. I never have. Am I just insensitive or blind? While mum and I had our fights, I was still there for her when she was going thru chemo and radiation for four months. I dropped what I was doing, left my husband and home to be there for her. Am I being punished for not being there when she actually died? I still feel guilt when I remember how we had the tube taken out (she was on oxygen and basically was catatonic), how she thrashed in the bed and tried to get up but didn't open her eyes after I told her we were extubating her. Did I kill her? She lasted through the night, and while we were getting ready to go back to the hospital the next morning they called to say she had died. Should I have stayed overnight? My husband drove 1000 miles straight through to be there with me, knowing she was dying. He was exhausted. How do I stop feeling guilt? How do I make peace with this? I hate myself for not being there. Especially when she would always say (in a fight) that she'd die alone and I'd never know about it. I'm slowing going crazy over this. I can't get excited about anything anymore.
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