Its hard to say. I think sometimes we don't open up to others about our pain because we're afraid of what we'll say and do when it happens. Maybe we're afraid of what they'll say or do. I didn't talk much about my daughter's death with my family members because I knew I would just cry. I realized that it didn't matter if I did cry. That's what people expect you to do anyway. I found myself talking about it, crying through it while my friends and family cried with me, and by the time it was over, we all felt much better. Somehow by me allowing myself to talk about it and cry at the same time allowed everyone else to do the same. Maybe its time you start talking about it, even if it means you are going to cry (perhaps uncontrollably) while doing so. That's okay if it happens. You're allowed, and its not necessarily a bad thing if it makes others cry along with you. Its good for them too.

In a strange way your entry made me feel a little more normal.My Mom just passed on Dec 30 and I thought there was something wrong with me because I still feel so sad.I think we all deal in a different way.I just found this site and think it may be my savior.I want to talk about her all the time and no one else seems to.There is nothing wrong with you not going to church.I have had a relative and a close friend die since Mom and i could not go to their funeral..people will understand more than you think..Keep in touch I think we could really help one another..your in my thoughts

Hi,
I think you are subconciously afraid to voice it to anyone, because when you do it will make it really "real", and then you feel like you will totally lose it. I honestly think you will feel relief. Nothing is healthy when you bottle it up inside. You need to find a way to release this or you may become ill. I'm not trying to be scary, it's just a proven fact. Start with a journal. Write it on and on until you can't thing of a single thought you haven't written down. Then pick one thought from your journal and share it with someone. Take their cue as to what to say next. And if you break down and cry, just know God gave us tears for very good reasons, grief being one of them. And I find grief to be a strange animal....it comes and goes like a thief in the night, staying a few minutes, leaving, then coming again sometime later. Have you considered therapy? Or a grief support group (check your local hospital or even funeral homes). You may do better opening it up to strangers, at least in the beginning. It's very good that you come here and write it out. This will always be hard, but it is harder on you because you are bottling it all up in there, where it knocks and bangs you around and makes you pay attention to it. I hope you can allocate a special place for your grief where you can go and do nothing but that, then be able to feel better and do some other things. Good luck, it's a tough road. Baby steps.

Becky

Please find someone to talk to - a private therapist or a bereavement group (try dougycenter.org) for a possible group near you. You can also keep writing here on DS. You must get some of this grief out of you or you will eat yourself up. What is your worst fear about revealing your grief?? I think you will find that some people will be glad to hear your feelings. Let us know how you are doing. We care.

It is not easy to talk to someone else about something that will hurt as it surfaces. To talk about it requires that you put it in words. The process of putting it into words takes great effort. No one can decide to do that for you and no one can tell you how to do it. The responsibility falls on you and of course on me to talk about the death of my son, my only son. He was hit by a pickup truck on 2.9.07 and died 4 days later. I am a minister who has been with many who have experienced all types of loss. It is never easy.

You will open up when it feels right for you to do so. Going to church was really hard for me after each of my parents died. Sometimes it's still hard, and I have cried during certain hymns.

It's not a bad thing to cry at church. I've seen lots of people do it at all kinds of churches. I always figured they were missing someone or that perhaps the hymns or sermon had touched their heart in a special way.

I feel the exact way as you do. Everytime i think i am ready to talk or am so depressed about my father that i might scream, i shut down thinking they don't want to listen to me. hell... we all are going through it, what makes my grief different from theirs? But I am wrong. It needs to happen and when my mom asks how i am doing, i need to just say it. Just say that i am miserable and i don't know how i am going to go on, and that it tortures me all the time. i hope you get the courage like i am trying to get, but its so much easier to type silently to everyone here, isn't it? Good luck. I'm here if you need someone to relate to about your dad.

I couldn't agree more. It is really important to grieve in whatever way you feel is called for. Holding it in will only make it worse, it will not "just go away". REMEMBER!Your thoughts and feelings have value and are important matter what Anybody else thinks.

Hi,

My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident a few months ago, and though, I have never felt the grief of losing a parent, I imagine that the pain is just as intense! I have been putting a "front" on for everybody and thats not good because at night when all is said and done the pain is still there. I have tried therapy but I do not have a problem talking about it, I am having a problem accepting it, and I will probably never understand why god took him from me, I have no choice but to except it. My mom and I are very close and she knows how I feel and she knows that I put on a happy face for everyone but all I can tell you is to pray that the lord give you stregnth. I am not a holy roller but I do believe in god and that he can give you the stregnth to just take it one day at a time. I dont believe that how we are feeling will get better and our grief will always be there, however, I do believe that over time we can accept it. If you ever need somebody to talk to, please e-mail me. Take care!

i never talk about my bofriends death. for the first month or so, i talked about it and him really easily, but iwas in schock, it didnt feel real to me. it was like i was reciting a story. NOw, it's been more than two months, and the reality of life without him is hitting me. I think i don't open up to people because i believe they wont understand how i feel. my boyfriends drug overdose war in part my fault, and i'm ashamed and so guilty. i feel like i shouldnt be allow to grieve like his family. i love him so much, but i somehow allowed for that to happen. i know i need to allow myself to talk about it, i dont know how either. hopefully with time. take caer

There is so much to say and there is nothing to say! There are times when I feel like I don't want to talk. When I was feeling like that, what was going on in my mind was what good does it do to talk about it? Nothing will change, they have no idea how much it hurts, oh, it's only words, I have to go home to that empty house, let me alone, whatever, and most of the time, I was just plain tired of talking about it. Must recently it has been because I don't feel like crying.

Last night was the first time I had been to church since my husband died. Before I got out of the car, I was putting all these tissues in my pocketbook. I just knew I was going to cry through the whole service.

I could not believe I did not cry one time. I avoided going because I thought it would be too painful. The sermon was on the holy spirit. The pastor asked who and what is the holy spirit.

When I let myself remember the teachings, he was left by God to comfort us. He is the one that wipes our tears away, he is the one that walks with us when we are in our darkest hour, and God does not make promises he does not keep!

I allowed myself to receive the message and let the spirit flow. Before I went to the serivce, my friend had asked if I wanted to go for coffee after. I had told her let me see how I feel after the service (because all that crying makes me feel so tired).

I went with her and had a wonderful time. We sat there in the place until they started cleaning the floors.

Sometimes, we just have to have the COURAGE TO HEAL. I will pray for you. And remember we have to do it at our own pace, and I am sure your mother wil understand. If you cannot verbally convey what you are feeling, write it down and leave it where she can see it!