Oh honey I can relate. We didn't have a funeral for my dad and things was still bad and ugly. But thats all over and here I am with my grief and sorrow. Trying to move forward but its very hard to do. I to am or not dealing with it. My house is not disgusting , but bad enough. and my family is suffering as well. I am getting there though as hard and devastating as it may be. Just hang on it will get better.

I'm so sorry to hear this. In grief counselling, we were told we'd have times of "one step forward and three steps back." We are such complicated creatures. Our minds just go off in their own directions at times, and pull us along.
The periods of hysteria concern me the most. You might want to tell that to a counsellor or someone who can evaluate it better. Sending huggs, Rainbowmama

Death and Grief never come in a vacuum. Unfortunately, and much to our dismay, life goes on. It doesn't stop because we have lost someone near and dear. So we must deal with life's issues while we are dealing with grief.

For me, looking back on my sister-in-law's memorial service, it is not hard to see what I did right and what I did wrong in organizing it. Then you add in all the family dynamics and it's hard to say if a funeral ever goes perfectly.

I want Andrea back, I want Joel back, I want Bryan back. These to me are not unusual emotions. Their deaths created holes in my life that cannot be filled by other people.

My heart goes out to you. Please don't give up on grief couseling. Also, remember even if you are having trouble with your spirituality, your higher power isn't. So he or she is still by your side.

Of course you want your mom back. Anyone would. Please don't beat yourself up, it is all just part of what we are going through. I haven't washed a dish in I don't know how long. Who cares? What matters is just getting up and trying to move. At least that is what I think. And I am barely moving, just breathing is a lot sometimes.
I wish you had your mom back too.

Sadness

we all say we want our loved ones back and i don't think that is stupid. Not sure what you mean by hysterical breakdows? Most of the time if we can identify what we are experiencing then we are still ok. we all have different ways of showing emotions and for some " hysterical breakdown" may be one way of working through the grief.

first of all i wanna im sorry for your loss i understand what your going through my dad died 2 months ago and im having a hard time too i cant get comfortable my house is a wreck too and i dont even want to think of my fin situation the grieving process takes alot out of you question every aspect of your life even your religous beliefs believe i understand that you want your mom back i want my dad back so he can hug me and tell thats it going to be okay but i know that will never happen the only advice that i can give is take it one day at a time and hope the pain will ease hang in there im here if u wanna talk

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It has been 13 months since I lost my son and it has not gotten easier. Everything that you have stated is normal. My house too is a wreck, I don't cook anymore, I can barely pay the bills (usually when they have turned pretty shades of the rainbow is when they get paid), and yes I want my son back and I am mad that he is not here. What I say is "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE REWIND BUTTON!!!!"
Religion is a tough spot when we have a loss like this. I am mad at God for not choosing to heal my son, but at the same time, I do know deep down inside that God knows what was best for my son. But yes I am still mad. The best thing about God is that he already knows what's in your heart, he already knows what you are thinking without you even saying it. So, as I have gotten back on my journey with the Lord, I tell him everyday, "I love you, but you know I'm mad at you!" But he's God, he can take it. That's why we call it a relationship. We get mad at our friends and family and yell and scream and they forgive us because they love us. Same goes for God. I just always ask him to please help me cause I feel like I am losing it and my sterring wheel is not too happy that I keep beating it up.

I pray for all of us to have peace, understanding, and comfort.

~~David's mom, Mita ~~

I probably shouldn't ask, but in what way did you botch your mom's funeral? Maybe your perception of this is worse than it actually was. Try to communicate with your mom in spirit and cry and say that you're sorry. It helps. I felt like I neglected my brother somehow before he passed away of colon cancer. I didn't, but his illness was difficult to deal with and, even though I was there going through hell with him, I distanced myself emotionally, as if that would somehow make things easier FOR ME (the ol' human self-serving survival impulse). It didn't, of course--only filled me with regrets. It's been 10 months; I talk to him all the time, look into his eyes in pictures, apologize profusely and cry my eyes out, and it helps.

As far as religion, I too have found that religion doesn't hold all the answers. I think I've found a healthy spirituality independent of organized religion now. It's just a matter of going to that quiet place, a park, the beach or wherever, and talking to your higher power and your departed mother DIRECTLY, cutting out the middlemen. I'm really annoyed by the fear tactics employed in Christianity. Jesus himself was a righteous dude who practiced love and tolerance for others, but his message has been so bastardized by fanatics who pledge that blind submission is the only way to eternal salvation. I think being a kind person and thus LIVING like Christ is the answer. Buddhism as a philosophy is more to my laid-back liking. Religion is supposed to clear up confusion and instead it causes it. You're not alone in your quest for "higher meaning".

All this does get better with time--you've just got to embrace the loss and accept it as part of the experience of life. Let the tears and the anger flow when they want to, apologizing to loved ones for any outbursts or transgressions when they occur.