Tomorrow is my daughters 23rd birthday and her friends are having a balloon release and barbeque for her to celebrate her life. As much as I love what they are doing, I get anxiety every time I think of going. July is a tough month for me. My Mom passed on July 8, 1994 and my daughter was born on July 8, 1995. My son said Katie was born on that day to make it a happy day for us instead of a sad day. He was right for 22 years until she was killed in a car accident on July 22, 2017. My Dad passed away on July 15, 1998. My other daughter was born on July 13 and stopped celebrating her birthday several years ago which is completely unfair to her. I have adopted my daughter's 3 year old autistic little boy and I am really struggling to stay functioning for him right now. It's like I live in 2 different worlds. I have my public personna where I function on the surface and my private world where I am heartbroken every day. After my daughter passed, my husband who was already at the end stage of his health problems just lost his will to live and grieved over losing our daughter until he passed on December 30, 2017. I have a strong faith and know that I will be reunited with my loved ones some day. My daughter would get very upset when she talked about seeing my husband pass but I never in a million years dreamed that she would pass first and be the one in heaven to greet him. I am very blessed to have a good support system for helping with my grandson and many of her friends check on me and offer to take Dylan with them on outings when they go places. He is progressing in his therapy for autism and is the light of my life. I feel a little guilty complaining about my situation when I know there are so many people that are not as blessed as I am. There's just this hole in my heart that nothing can fill. I know I can get through this and maybe I'm expecting too much of myself at this point.
Yesterday I had the luxury of a lot of time to read posts on here.........for the first time in my life I didn't feel like I was a weirdo......when I introduced myself I told you about what my dd's biological father had been doing to her, that's the worst because it's not me taking the pain....it's my kid....but my previous experiences have been signifcant as well......there isn't much that...
Can't seem to go to sleep right now so I'm up listening to music and posting this. Anybody else up want to message me I'm bored.