I loss my first love to ALL and its been 6 months since his passing.. i was there with him til the end. I had to make all the arrangements.. for our 2 children i had by him ( one 20 and the other was 10months old) they couldnt make any arrangements. I have all his things.. and his ashes too. I want to spread them now. but my 20 year old is not ready.. shes going to school and im left with everything. plus caring for our youngest daughter.. i have other children 6 more in all. my ex-husband is my rock now.. i would never have thought that i could lean on him.. other then that i dont have any family. and a few people i consider my friends.. im trying to sale his vehicle .. i need the money plus i have 2 other cars to maintain.. all i know this is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.. and want to be happy again.. every day and moment seems like a long long journey thorough the day.. i know it will get better one day.. but how do i deal with the ashes.. i use to want to keep them forever but now i see that is a lil insane.. now my 20year old wants to keep the.. how do i keep myself from going over the edge.. im trying to move forward but she moving forward except for when things come to her daddy.she wont go to conseling or support group.. which i have tried atleast.. she doesnt relize that I ve loved him since i was 18... even when i got married to someone else ive loved him.. im so deeply hurt.. at times. it feels so unbearable but i keep going for our lilliest girl and my other children needs me.. I can say that if i didnt have my children.. i would have been over the edge the moment his heart stopped.. so ,, how do a person cope with deal with death and pain . I am a strong woman but to see him go thorough all of that an more and i having to do it all alone.. that like to have honestly killed. me.. something died that day.. not to mention he died on my second youngest birthday.. and with the holiday upon us.. its very trying.. thanks for listening.
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