hi phem...i wouldn't judge yourself about how long it is taking you...it is different for everybody and the death of a parent is traumatizing no matter what...but suicide is a whole other thing. it leaves so many unresolved questions, guilt, anger, etc. i think more than any other kind of loss. i would however, try and get to the roots of your issues about it and start tackling those...because it's not JUST the obvious loss of your dad that's keeping you from maintaining peace with it. it has to be lots of other things too. all i can say is that my dad died when i was eleven...a similar age...a very tough, transitional age...that was 19 years ago and when people say to me, "how'd you get over it?"...i say, "i'm not, i'm just not necessarily under it anymore"...and you'll get there eventually too. i'd love to talk about this more with you if you want to chat sometime for real...the anniversaries are still hard for me too. i don't think i'll ever not think about things a little harder that day. it's coming up too...dec. 18th. also...one more thing...some days are better than others...but there are always those days that you think you're fine and then it sort of sneaks up on you...i have those days too...lots and lots...you are not alone. peace.

It takes as long as it takes. When you're talking about losing your father, at the holidays, by suicide yet, I'd be amazed if you didn't react the way you do.