LasT Thurday my Mom and I went to the hospital, as I wrote in several previous messages my dads in the hospital and they suspect liver cancer and have been doing all sorts of tests but we have never had a "definite" diagnosis.(Although I don,t know why but I suspected it was bad)My dads heart was racing double than normal and they told us they may not be able to get it under control and therefore was at risk for a heart attack and to get everyone in the family notified, the palitive care team told us they really suspect still it is cancer due to all his symptoms and the way his body is slowing down and they forwarned us to be prepared. I could not even go back into his room to finish the visit.(They did get it under contol, but I guess their warning about his health and how his body is weakining still applies, they told us they believe it is advanced but did not give a time line but I don,t know that I want one) I went today and he is so weak. I can,t believe things are so quick but if he has what they think, he has had no pain so far and I then hope, he continues to have no pain. I almost can,t make myself go to the hospital, I don,t want to break down in front of my dad, he has a really high level of faith, and he brought me up in the same faith and although I believe pretty well what he does, I don,t feel as strong I guess as what he does or don,t know how to handle feeling like he won,t be there everyday anymore. I have to work in the public each day and have to try and put a happy face on each day and it is so hard knowing my dad is in the hospital laying there. I talked to my husband last night(actually broke down on him) and asked him if something were to happen to my dad I want to let my mom know she has a place at our home or we would rent our home and get a larger one to accomodate all of us, I was so worried he would say no but he told me it was already something that crossed his mind and we would do what we had too. It was a load of my mind, but I cannot bear to tell my mom that we have even thought so far yet.(I am a planner and I like to plan ahead even in bad times)I know I would break down in front of her trying to let her know, and I already did that last week on Thursday a couple of times and she was trying to calm me down, I can,t do that to her again. My parents have no wills, it really does matter if one of them are still left remaining but there are all these things that I run over in mind,(this being one of them)that I worry about,eg mom mom being alone, her home and large property (which I look after right now and would be really overloaded if something happen to my dad and it had to continue, and the home is not in the best condition (needs quite a bit of repair work)and my mom is not in the greatest of finances to keep up with the work needed.)My head is spinning over all of this and then flashes back to my dad and the sadness I feel about him being ill and all of it seems trivial for the moment but so real for when he may not be there, and I am the one out us 3 kids who seems to worry the most about this stuff now, the rest are worrying about the next golf tournament or what to buy when they shop next for clothing. Something does not seem right here or is it me? I worry how my mom will get to the the hospital on the days I have to work or if I can manage it on my lunch somehow, I always fit her in and/ or a visit, after all he may not be there to visit someday.I can,t bear tho think of a funeral and all that stuff and my mom going through all of it. I may sem really weird but from the time I first heard the word cancer in a possible diagnosis along with some other illnesses about 3 weeks ago, I felt short of breath and everyime I ate I felt sick to my stomach, I was really worried about what was going on with me,since last Thursday when they quite definity ruled it as a cancer, I can eat again, I don,t know if it is because we finally have a name for the illness now and I know what we,re dealing with although it,s still bad. I should stop now I,ve been talking so much I,m surprised I have not run out of room already. I,ll update more went I know more. They will be doing a scan some time next week and I may have more info soon and more to be upset about. Thanks for all the messages and feedback, it really does help. Sandra
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