Things just kept getting worse and worse. Once I accepted that I was alone, knowing that, even though it hurt, it really wasnt anyone elses problem, I had to figure out how I was best going to handle things on my own without going insane. So, at the end of November, while Mom was still alive, I told my pastor (by email, because I made up my mind and didnt want the anxiety of a big discussion) that I wasnt coming back to church. I never expected what came next. A rash of emails spewing all kinds of hurtful venom out at me. Accused me of criticizing everyone in my family and told me he was avoiding me because of that. He didnt want my family members equating pastor with being humiliated. I know that was a lie. I still checked with my family to make sure they didnt feel I had been criticizing them in any way, but I knew it was a lie. It hurt so much. I felt even more alone and now abandoned. I wondered why he didnt come to me in love if he felt I wasnt treating my family right, instead of abandoning me and only sharing this with me when he was angry. There were many others false accusations he made. I am still somewhat in shock at his behavior. Still, I left it alone for the time being. It was too much for me to handle. Now, my only regret is that I didnt leave sooner. I had the best month with my mother. I was so much more relaxed. Of course, she died the day after Christmas, a month after I left church. My church family still wasnt there for me. My pastor hadnt even mentioned my mothers death from the pulpit, like he did for so many others, even though my mother had been there many, many times. Flowers were sent from people as distant as my brothers and aunts employers. Not only that, my one aunts boss and his wife even drove 2 hours to attend the funeral and they didnt even know my mother from Adam. No flowers, no acknowledgements, nothing from the church family. This is this is the first time in 30 years that Ive not been going to church. Ive been in so much pain over this that I dont feel Ive even been able to process the grief of losing my mother.
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