I'm almost 24 yrs old. I never had a relationship with my father. In the beginning, my parents were young. They were both under 20 yrs of age when they had me. They were never married but lived together for a short amount of time. My mom left with me when I was a baby because my mom described my dad as being "hot tempered". That was the last I ever seen of my dad. When I was 7, my dad contacted my mom to see if he could meet her at a park to meet up so he could see me again. My mom didn't show up because she was afraid of what my dad might do...like, take me away and my mom never see me again. It had been years since my mom had seen him, so she didn't know what he could have been capable of. For 8 years of my life, I was under the impression that my 'then' step dad was my biological father. When I was 8, my mom sat me down on the couch to tell me the truth, after I fight I had with my step dad. Jumping ahead to 1999, I asked my mom if I could contact my dad. She remembered one of his sister's name and we looked it up in the phone book and found her. I called her and asked how dad was doing, and she said he had passed....just 6 months prior to me calling. I was shocked. He was only 34 when he died...he died from cardio-myopathy. He was jogging through the park and just colapsed. So I at least developed a relationship with dad's family. A lot of stuff happened that led me to loose contact with them for 9 years. I regained contact with them and have a great relationship with them today. According to his family, it hurt my dad alot, not being there for me. He assumed that I already had a "dad" and at my young age, he didn't want to jump into the picture and confuse me so to speak. According his sister who was the closest to him, it crushed him when my mom didn't show up to the park to meet him. Alot could have been done on both ends to where I could have had a relationship with my dad. But from speaking to my dad's widow and his family, he really loved me and really wanted to be in my life. I have no reason not to believe them. For a long time, I held a grudge against my mother for decsions she made regarding Dad, but I realize that isn't going to get me anywhere, and that i'm only trying to bring Dad back. I just miss him so much and i want to know that he's around me. I don't know if i believe in that or not, but i really want to in this circumstance. The rest of the family started grieving 9 years ago, and i'm just starting to grieve. It seems like having a relationship with dad's family is making it harder for me to let him go...but I love my family! I most certainly don't want to loose them again. A part of me is literally missing/gone. How do I get through this?