I don't even know where to begin. The past 10 months have been some of the most trying months of my entire life. My dad died 10 months ago and even though we expected him to die within the year...how he died was a shock to us all. I didn't have a great relationship with him because of some things he had done in the past. So, it's been a struggle. I've been thinking of all the things I could have done different and all the things I should have done different. And, of course I desperately want to be angry with him, but I feel guilty whenever I think about it. I think that I don't have the right to be angry with him because he's dead now and I'm still alive. I feel like it's wrong to want to be angry with him for all the things he did. In a way, I guess I feel I'm more angry with myself because I didn't make any atttempts to develop a better relationship with him in the end. I just wanted to be away from him as much as possible....I thought being away from him would help me forget about the past, and in a way it did. Though, when he died the past came back to me...all the times he got mad at me and was mean to me....I'll never forget those.....there are times when it seems like the bad memories far out-weigh the good ones. But, now I'm beginning to move in a phase where things are just confusing...everything's confusing. Since I started my new job, it seems like everything reminds me of him...there are times I can't stand it and I get so upset that I just want to cry right there at work. Well, I just felt like writing something on here and I would greatly appreciate any advice or support you have to offer....it's always nice to know I'm not alone and there are people out there who have had similar experiences as me.
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