After losing many people in my life, some of whom I have been very close to others whom I have shared a bond with in friendship, I thought I had it all worked out. There are some that you know are going to die and you say your goodbyes and tell them how much you loved them and there are those who you were not expecting to pass but do and leave you feeling a sense of loss. These are the people that we never question their reason for the ceasement of their existence, we mourn their loss and trust they are in a better place. And then there is those, thankfully not to often that die not because their time on earth was at an end but because they no longer wanted to spend anymore time here. They hated their world so much that the best they could do to cope was to end their life. A friend of mine committed suicide on New Years Eve. Aged 54, 2 children, 7 grandchildren all of whom he doted on and adored. So why.... a, I finding myself thinking should I be feeling grief and sadness and devastation for his loss, or should I be feeling 'you selfish bastard, how dare you do this to your loved ones'. What gives him the right to just end his life, no note, no phone calls before, no sign of him being depressed, just a dead weight left stooped over the car steering wheel after gassing himself. What gives him the right to do that, to end his life, to stop his existence and to do so without explanation. I am beating myself up over things that he said that possibly could have been signs of his intent to do this. Life is so precious and who does he think he is taking his. I don't know what to think, I guess I am still quite shocked. I want to be angry with him for doing it but I feel like it is wrong of me as he is not here to defend himself. But then why should he get to defend himself when he has left his family and friends shattered and simply wishing that they could have doen more to prevent it. I am feeling rather confused at the moment. Confused and upset or angry and frustrated... I don't know which. Sally
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