Experience? WOW! I guess so. . .I just loss my lover to suicide 5 weeks ago, and know what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something that I can say or do to take away some of your pain, but know that there's nothing anyone can do to help ease the pain. Just know that if you want to talk, I'm here.

Hi JRS.

I lost my brother to suicide last month. He had cancer that was getting very bad very quickly, and while I am still angry with him for killing himself, I know exactly why he did it.

Was your fiance sick? Did he suffer from depression? Do you know anything about what caused him to do this?

The grief is completely overwhelming at times. And I wish I could say that it gets better, but I just don't know yet.

I lost my fiance' to suicide 9 years ago. We had a 6 week old baby.

I would love to talk to you more about all of this, but I just lost my mom a few days ago, and I'm sort of a mess at the moment. (I need to lay down and cry right now.)
Lisa

Yes, unfortunatley, I have experience with suicide. My husband committed suicide 2 months ago today. You said that all grief hurts and that's true but with suicide, it seems to be so much more complicated. There's the added shame and embarassment of suicide to deal with. In my case, a lot of guilt too. Guilt that I didn't do more or guilt over what I did do. I find myself trying to explain to other people why he felt like there was no other option. The major portion of his life he had been addicted to drugs, been through 4 marriages, lost a child, etc.... I don't know why I feel like I have to justify his suicide to others but yes, there is that added shame to it. I have found great comfort in my heavenly father and he has given me the strength that has been necessary to get through these 2 months. I would be lost without him.

I lost one of my closest friends to suicide almost 20yrs ago. I have, over the course of my life, lost many close friends and relatives to a variety of circumstances but Richard's passing was by far the most complicated and painful (with only one exception and she was not a suicide) to go through. Initially, for the first 4-5yrs, my emotions were all over the board. Grief and aguish, rage and fury, guilt and frustration, denial and avoidance........ and round and round in circles never knowing what I'd be feeling from one moment to the next. I made my friends crazy and myself even crazier, obsessing about the hows and whys. Yes, he left a note........ NO, it wasn't good enough! And I was outraged that he would just give up and then hated myself for not being there for him (as if I alone could have prevented it which I know now was completely unrealistic) and then felt guilty for hating him and disgusted with myself for the mess I'd become.

But I was kind of lucky in a way too. Richard started appearing to me (rather ghost-like actually) a few months after his passing. He would just be there, out of nowhere, in his favorite hat (a brown fedora) and those rose-colored glasses he used to wear (it was 1978 and NOBODY was doing it!) smiling his "Richard grin" and it made me feel warm all over. He followed me around for almost a year. I was talking to a mutual friend of ours (Richard's and mine) about it at one point and he said Richard was probably trying to help me get over it............. and I agree.

For many years, I thought about him daily, weekly, monthly and July was always the toughest month of all for me because that was when it had happened. He took a bed-sheet and tied it to the wall behind him and strangled himself......... so he really wanted to be gone and had to endure a lot to get there...... so when I say I carried guilt around I mean I punished myself like I'd tied the knot and pulled it tight all on my own.

I haven't thought about it in quite that way for a very, very long time and I honestly hope it wasn't painful for you...
But the point I'm really trying to make is that, while suicide is much like a wild animal and we are the cages in which it is contained, it is also softened and mellowed with time. I am aware of the way Richard died (how could I not be?), but it is NOT the first thing I think about when I think about him now. Now, I see the smile. I remember that once when I had the flu he gave me the "Happy Jacket" his dad got in Korea and told me to keep it forever because it made him happy to think of me in it. I think about how much of my taste in music he probably influenced and maybe my "DJ" tendencies are actually a gift that he also passed along.

Richard has lived inside of me for a really long time. I don't doubt for a minute he had a huge influence on the person I am and I still cherish all the memories I carry as much as I ever did. Maybe more....... because now I have the memories on their own and they are not in the middle of all the baggage of fury and guilt and despondent hopelessness that I carried around for so long. Now, when I think about Richard, I think about who he was and how he lived. Not what became of him when he died. So I think about Richard now....... and I smile. I know he would like that. It's who he was.

As survivors of suicide, we are a rather select group. Initiation is a bitch!........ I'm so, so very sorry that you have to be a member..... Be gentle with yourself and know that time does make it easier...... it just takes a lot of time to get to that place.

Janine, Thank you so much for your post! It's only been 5 1/2 weeks for me now, and I can't even imagine getting to where you are. Heck, I can't even imagine getting back to work yet, but I did want to thank you for your words of encouragement. And, yea, "initiation is a bitch," In fact, it freakin' sucks!

Richard was lucky to have you for a friend

i lost my sister and my brother to suicide in the past 5 years. i have also tried to commit suicide my self. i was just in so much pian. i lost my baby in september i turned to pills and nearly killed myself. i just lost my mom in december i have not tried to kill myself instead i come her when i feel like i can't take it anymore. i mean latly i have been thinking about it more and more and have not acted on those thoughts. i am seeing someone but he dosn't think i need meds. i just get them from friends they don't make me feel a whole lot better but at least when i am on them i am not thinking about killing myself. talk any time you need to

Hi JRS,
I know you wrote this post a while ago, but I'm new to this site and just saw it now. I lost my younger brother to suicide 10 months ago today. He hung himself in my parent's garage on 9/10/11, with a lot of effort paramedics were able to get a heartbeat back, but he lost all brain function and we discontinued his life support on 9/12/11. He stopped breathing 2 1/2 hours after being taken off the ventilator...it was the most horrible experience of my life. At the same time, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant and we conceived that month. But I lost the baby 7 weeks later. So, like you, I am mourning two losses. It has been really difficult and most of my friends are disappointingly unsupportive.

I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you aren't alone. I hope today is a good day for you.

All of you - there is a group here dealing with suicide grief. Just know that your loved ones are where there is unconditional love, and from here, no judgement from us. All loss is difficult, and the question "WHY" is one we all ask, regardless of circumstances

The group is called Families and Friends Affected by Suicide, you might like to look in there, but you can be assured of love and support here too! You need to experience the grieving process fully, and in your own time. You are not expected to be strong, just be kind to yourself, and know that you have us here who all at least know what you are going through.

my name is vader.I am 64 years old and old enough to be your grandmother.On May 22nd,2009 my boyfriend of 12 years committed suicide and it has been sheer hell for me.Us survivors have got to be strong and realize we must go on living and be able to accept that the person who is loved is gone and we must do this.This pain is killing me.Thanks for listening .Vader