Bereavement Support Group
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I think my daughter is finally starting to grieve about her dad. She has for the last 3 months been very closed mouthed about her feeling and lately she has actually come to me asking for my help. But I don't know how to help her through what she is feeling. Let me start at the beginning with her. When my husband had his biopsy before we found out what was wrong with him my daughter was the one that took him to the doctor and sat in the room with him when the biopsy was done. As much as I tried to protect her from what was going on (not the knowing but the actual seeing of things) it seems that everytime she was with him something bad would happen. On the night that he asperated into his Lungs I was a t work and she was at home with him. She was the one that had to call 911 and she was the last one to hear his voice and talk to him. She is having a very tough time with these facts and blames herself for not being able to get him help in time. She has often said that if she had called sooner he would still be here and no matter how many times anyone tells her she did everything in her power to help her and no matter how many times I tell her its not her fault she still blames herself. She is now falling asleep with the sight of him choking and struggling to cough up what he had asperated. She tells me that she sees the look in his eyes that he had that night all the time. we are in therapy right now but I honestly don't know how to help her. I listen to her when she feels like talking which isn't very often. I tell her its not her fault, I hold her and love her but I know its not helping. Please my friends any suggestions would be appreciated
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I wish there was a magical pill that would take all the hurt and pain away.
You are a wonderful wife, mother, and friend...don't ever doubt that!
Love you, Kat
I am so sorry for your loss. You know it is so hard to mourne but then to have to watch your child struggle is doubly hard.
Perhaps another perspective for your daughter would be that she was strong for her dad. She was there at the times he needed her. He could not have gotten through those times without her. He must have had great pride in raising such a strong child that he could lean on when he needed her the most. What a gift to have been chosen to hear his voice the last time and to be with him to ease his fear.
When my son died at 3 someone told me that there is no guarantee stamped on a birth certificate. There is no mommy instructions that come with a child. And there is no time limit on love. If I think about Timmy's last day (he was not sick) I feel guilty. When I think that I did not take him to Seseme Place I feel guilty. When I think of my parents standing at his coffin I feel guilty. When I think of my other kids lining up to kiss him goodbye I feel guilty. I have always felt guilty because I was mommy I should have protected him but no one could have saved him. He accomomplished what he was meant to accomplish and he went back to God. I celebrate his life and mourne his death and that was 24 years ago.
The only thing I can say is to remember the fun, the closeness, the trust. Remember little things walks, cotton candy, pony rides, school shows, pictures. The more good your remember the further away the reality of the end. There will always be times it will come back and hit you in the face BUT a whole lifetime of joy has to outweigh the grief of the end.
I wish you peace.
Kathy
How about grief.net so she has her own private place to talk and grieve and you stay with dailystrength....so she feels free to greive and talk?
It might help your daughter for you to have her think about what she would tell her best friend if her friend had done what she did - And maybe it would help her see that she deserves the same consideration.
Listen to me, this is Ronnie, You right now can only do what you are doing by saying over and over it is not your fault, Tell her it's not anyones fault and leave it at that. I know it may in a way sound harsh but, My therapist told me to leave my daughter alone and she will realize it on her own, that it was not her fault. This is probably the most scariest thing that she has ever seen but she is feeling the way she is because it was her who was there to wittness this. MY dughter was with me when I called 911 the first time, My daughter was the one who called 911 when he passed. That is what she remembers, it took her a long time to finally realized that she had done her part and get help right away, now it is your part, the only thing you can do is be there for her when she needs to talk about it but DON'T push her she will want to talk on her own. I know it hurts to see your child hurting and in pain but, by your daughter digesting the facts of that horrible day she will come to realize nothing she did was wrong.
Norma I am here if you need to talk. I am enclosing my e-mail address.
talk to you soon, don't worry she will come around on her own.
Ronnie
ronnieellen53@yahoo.com