Bereavement Support Group
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I've been on DS for about 2 weeks now, because of the loss of my father back on Oct 13th and I needed some support. Thankfully, I came to the right place, and I'm dealing with his death a little better now... But I do have a separate problem I hope this Community will be willing to listen to and help me out with, even if it is step by step. I'm having troubles from the heart....
I'll tell you my story...
~ I have had a history of boyfriends, ranging in size, shape and personality that would shock any faithful christian. Ever since I started dating at the age of 17, I had 14 boyfriends in two years. It was sad, because of the fact that I slept with almost every one of them. And I do have OCD, so with my obsessive personality I tended to scare them away, piss off my parents, or spend too much time with one of them until it was too late and I got really hurt, because they would become my life. I finally got counseling at the age of 19 and it's helped me considerably. I stopped dating for a while, and started seeing nicer, more reliable and respectable guys when I did. And my life was going really good with a new job, and my parents were starting to trust me again. Life was peachy.
Aug 6th: I was casually dating somebody at the time, but something happened that I think fate had a part of. I met a nice guy named Steven at work when my car broke down. Now the ironic thing is that I work at AAA in the Emergency Road Service Call Center, aka towing, and I was inside the office, setting up a call with one of my supervisors (I didn't yet have a membership) and was going to be spending about $120 to get towed home, when a tall handsome guy walked up to me and said he couldn't help but overhear my dilemma and said I could use his Plus Membership (free towing) to get home. I thought that was so sweet of him! I had never met him face to face, but I had talked to him on the Assist line (who the advocates call when we have questions) a few times, but I guess he had noticed me before and was actually contemplating asking me out sometime. So, the next day I emailed him to thank him, and we started talking. We would email each other constantly, sometimes paragraphs at a time for about 2 weeks, until I broke up with my then boyfriend and we went on our first date. It was almost too good to be true. We hit it off so well, and we had so much to talk about, that it was never a dull moment with him. And, then we went on our second date a week later, and afterwards, he admitted to me that he was scared of me. I asked him why, and that's when he said something that made my heart swell with happiness. He told me that for the last few days, he has had the "L" word floating around in his head and he couldn't get it out. I looked him straight in the eyes, and without hesitation I told him I loved him too. I cried and he hugged me so tightly, and it was just so wonderful. I had never felt so sure in my life.
A few weeks later: Things were well. It was about Sept 8th or so, when I guess I over stepped my boundaries and he got mad at me. Or, I should say, annoyed. I texted him at least 15 times that day, and he finally told me to knock it off, and when I called him he was really pissed off about something and I wasn't helping matters. So we had our first fight. But, I went to his house that day, and just like magic, he was over the fight and we were back to cuddling and laughing and spending time together like nothing happened. And it's always like that. We fight on the phone, and we fight when we text, but when we're in person, things between us seem perfect. So I didn't worry about it.
Sept 11th: The worst news of my life. My father has cancer. I was devastated and so scared, and I instantly went to Steven to tell him about it. He was really sympathetic about it, and was willing to spend some time with me, talking and making me feel better, and I felt so happy to have someone like him in my life right now. Our friendship grew and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him with each passing day. But then a few days later, he gets some news that turned HIS life around too... his ex girlfriend called him to tell him she was pregnant. With triplets. And they're his. (That all happened in July before he met me) So now he has all this stress going on with the pregnancy, and I have stress with my father being in and out of the hospital for a month, and we finally sat down and talked about things. He looked at me and said "I can tell you without a doubt that I love you, Rashelle. It's just that with all this stuff that we're going through, I need to figure out if I love you as a friend or as a potential lover. I don't feel ready to have someone to answer to yet. So I think we should just be friend right now." And I agreed with him. If anything, I did just want his friendship.....
... and then the next day, he makes love to me for the first time....
Over the next few weeks, our relationship changed drastically (I guess they're right: Sex does change things between two people). We argued more, we would make love to each other constantly, we started having times where we had nothing to say to each other, then there were times where we couldn't shut up. Our relationship was such a roller coaster throughout September, I didn't know which way was up! But, with my dad getting worse, and my emotions so down from my usual chirpy self, he became more understanding and was there for me when I needed to just be with someone. He was very caring, and did a good job of distracting me while my father was in the hospital, and even agreed to let me live with him and his parents when my mom decided she was going to go live with my dad when we took him to Hospice on Oct 8th.
Oct 13th: I was in the process of moving some of my clothes and things over to Steve's on Oct 12th, and was just settling down around 2am to watch a movie when my mom calls me and said the three words I never wanted to hear. "He's gone, baby." My life was turned upside down. I couldn't breathe, I was crying so hard, and my body seemed to go numb. My saving grace was Steven, who was willing, at 3 in the morning, to drive me 45 minutes to Hospice to be with my mom, drive us both back home, and stay the night to make sure we were okay. He held my hand, he talked to me, and he was just an angel that whole night and for the few nights afterwards. He stayed at my house a couple of times, and mom let me go to his house a few nights too. He was there for me when it counted the most. I fell deeper in love with him, more than I could almost handle...
I've gotten so attached to him over the last few weeks, for all that he's done for me, and I love him with all my heart. We still have our quarrels, and I still annoy him from time to time (but now I know that when he's mad at me, I just go over there and he gets over it) but I know without a doubt, I not only love him, but I am IN love with him.
But, in his mind, we're still just friends... so that frustrates me. It feels like so much more to me, and he tells me he loves me and treats me like his lover, but... he's insistent about not getting into a relationship. Is he just somehow having his cake and eating it too? Is there something I'm missing? I'm being patient, but that patience is getting thin. I just want to know if the label is even that big a deal at this point, or is there some underlying dilemma that I'm overlooking? Any advice would be nice...
I'll tell you my story...
~ I have had a history of boyfriends, ranging in size, shape and personality that would shock any faithful christian. Ever since I started dating at the age of 17, I had 14 boyfriends in two years. It was sad, because of the fact that I slept with almost every one of them. And I do have OCD, so with my obsessive personality I tended to scare them away, piss off my parents, or spend too much time with one of them until it was too late and I got really hurt, because they would become my life. I finally got counseling at the age of 19 and it's helped me considerably. I stopped dating for a while, and started seeing nicer, more reliable and respectable guys when I did. And my life was going really good with a new job, and my parents were starting to trust me again. Life was peachy.
Aug 6th: I was casually dating somebody at the time, but something happened that I think fate had a part of. I met a nice guy named Steven at work when my car broke down. Now the ironic thing is that I work at AAA in the Emergency Road Service Call Center, aka towing, and I was inside the office, setting up a call with one of my supervisors (I didn't yet have a membership) and was going to be spending about $120 to get towed home, when a tall handsome guy walked up to me and said he couldn't help but overhear my dilemma and said I could use his Plus Membership (free towing) to get home. I thought that was so sweet of him! I had never met him face to face, but I had talked to him on the Assist line (who the advocates call when we have questions) a few times, but I guess he had noticed me before and was actually contemplating asking me out sometime. So, the next day I emailed him to thank him, and we started talking. We would email each other constantly, sometimes paragraphs at a time for about 2 weeks, until I broke up with my then boyfriend and we went on our first date. It was almost too good to be true. We hit it off so well, and we had so much to talk about, that it was never a dull moment with him. And, then we went on our second date a week later, and afterwards, he admitted to me that he was scared of me. I asked him why, and that's when he said something that made my heart swell with happiness. He told me that for the last few days, he has had the "L" word floating around in his head and he couldn't get it out. I looked him straight in the eyes, and without hesitation I told him I loved him too. I cried and he hugged me so tightly, and it was just so wonderful. I had never felt so sure in my life.
A few weeks later: Things were well. It was about Sept 8th or so, when I guess I over stepped my boundaries and he got mad at me. Or, I should say, annoyed. I texted him at least 15 times that day, and he finally told me to knock it off, and when I called him he was really pissed off about something and I wasn't helping matters. So we had our first fight. But, I went to his house that day, and just like magic, he was over the fight and we were back to cuddling and laughing and spending time together like nothing happened. And it's always like that. We fight on the phone, and we fight when we text, but when we're in person, things between us seem perfect. So I didn't worry about it.
Sept 11th: The worst news of my life. My father has cancer. I was devastated and so scared, and I instantly went to Steven to tell him about it. He was really sympathetic about it, and was willing to spend some time with me, talking and making me feel better, and I felt so happy to have someone like him in my life right now. Our friendship grew and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him with each passing day. But then a few days later, he gets some news that turned HIS life around too... his ex girlfriend called him to tell him she was pregnant. With triplets. And they're his. (That all happened in July before he met me) So now he has all this stress going on with the pregnancy, and I have stress with my father being in and out of the hospital for a month, and we finally sat down and talked about things. He looked at me and said "I can tell you without a doubt that I love you, Rashelle. It's just that with all this stuff that we're going through, I need to figure out if I love you as a friend or as a potential lover. I don't feel ready to have someone to answer to yet. So I think we should just be friend right now." And I agreed with him. If anything, I did just want his friendship.....
... and then the next day, he makes love to me for the first time....
Over the next few weeks, our relationship changed drastically (I guess they're right: Sex does change things between two people). We argued more, we would make love to each other constantly, we started having times where we had nothing to say to each other, then there were times where we couldn't shut up. Our relationship was such a roller coaster throughout September, I didn't know which way was up! But, with my dad getting worse, and my emotions so down from my usual chirpy self, he became more understanding and was there for me when I needed to just be with someone. He was very caring, and did a good job of distracting me while my father was in the hospital, and even agreed to let me live with him and his parents when my mom decided she was going to go live with my dad when we took him to Hospice on Oct 8th.
Oct 13th: I was in the process of moving some of my clothes and things over to Steve's on Oct 12th, and was just settling down around 2am to watch a movie when my mom calls me and said the three words I never wanted to hear. "He's gone, baby." My life was turned upside down. I couldn't breathe, I was crying so hard, and my body seemed to go numb. My saving grace was Steven, who was willing, at 3 in the morning, to drive me 45 minutes to Hospice to be with my mom, drive us both back home, and stay the night to make sure we were okay. He held my hand, he talked to me, and he was just an angel that whole night and for the few nights afterwards. He stayed at my house a couple of times, and mom let me go to his house a few nights too. He was there for me when it counted the most. I fell deeper in love with him, more than I could almost handle...
I've gotten so attached to him over the last few weeks, for all that he's done for me, and I love him with all my heart. We still have our quarrels, and I still annoy him from time to time (but now I know that when he's mad at me, I just go over there and he gets over it) but I know without a doubt, I not only love him, but I am IN love with him.
But, in his mind, we're still just friends... so that frustrates me. It feels like so much more to me, and he tells me he loves me and treats me like his lover, but... he's insistent about not getting into a relationship. Is he just somehow having his cake and eating it too? Is there something I'm missing? I'm being patient, but that patience is getting thin. I just want to know if the label is even that big a deal at this point, or is there some underlying dilemma that I'm overlooking? Any advice would be nice...
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