I know this post might sound melodramatic to some...I guess I'm just not ready to start going forward again. In Oct 2006, my fiance died suddenly while undergoing surgery for liver problems (he was born with a severe birth defect). No one expected that to be the last night. He was doing so well and had been so so lucky for years. I still remember the words...just those words...that he wouldn't be waking up. Those words took everything out of me. I couldn't cry right away. Crying didn't start until jan 07. My fiance died 28 days before his birthday...I didn't want to make it to his birthday either. I just didn't want to live past that day. My friends were the main support right after. It's like their strength kept me breathing. I am doing better today, but it's like I'm an incomplete person. I can imagine doing things (completing graduate school, working, etc). But, I don't see happiness...I don't know if it exists anymore. I don't know if my life will have a purpose. I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to my friends and family and laugh with them. Most of the time I'm really numb and empty, so why would anyone want to be around me? I'm so unsure and disillusioned with life. It's like even hope dies when someone so good and wonderful dies. My fiance always carried everyone he loved with him in some way...even if they were far away. I just miss him so much.
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