ANger is the one stage that I hadn't been in yet. Then, last week one day, I was thinking about all the time my mother wasted in life being angry and critical of everyone, and I suddenly found myself being angry with her.
I also remembered how my MIL held a life long jealousy type grudge against her older sister. I did everything except do hand stands down main street to get her to let it go, and tell her sister she loved her, but she was s the grudge straight to the grave. So, I got mad at her too. Just when you think you've side stepped that emotional "pile of poop" there is is deep and wide, and right in front of you.
Rainbowmama

There are definite stages -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was the first one to come up with the 5 stages, but there have been a couple of others added to it since then.

1. Shock and disbelief (denial) you keep expecting a phone call, the person to knock on the door, or drive up in the driveway....some people even "see" the person still there. I felt the warmth of my 12 year old cat on my bed where he used to lay when he first died -- some people would think that was his spirit, and maybe it was. But it could also simply be my mind thinking he was still there.

2. Sensation of somatic distress -- (physical reactions) ie: chest pain, tightness, shortness of breath, exhaustion, etc.

3. Preoccupation with image of deceased -- intrusive memories, dreams, strong emotions when around familiar places associated with the loved one (restaurants, former places of residence, etc.)

4. (displaced) Guilt -- shoulda, coulda, woulda. Sometimes, guilt is even validly attributable to a preventable accident or illness, but unless the person was murdered, there is no genuine reason to feel guilty.

5. Anger -- often displaced also, onto other family members or medical staff involved, or oneself.

6. Depression -- or other change in behavior, ie: disorganization (confusion) restlessness, anxiety, lack of concentration, forgetfullness.

7. Acceptance -- moving on in life. Some kind of memorialization of the deceased often helps facilitate this when the survivor is ready to do it.


Everyone processes grief differently -- these are generally the order that the phases or stages happen, but not necessasarily...and not everyone goes through them all. And it is also very common, especially with a closely connected loved one, to go through these phases several times before the process is complete.

This is why it is important to be supportive of the bereaved, and allow them to deal with it in their own way, at their own pace...and as long as they are moving through it at a reasonable rate, they are doing it well.

If at any time you feel "stuck" emotionally (and it may take weeks or even months to move on from one stage to another, so give yourself time) or you feel overwhelmed and distressed to the point you cannot function after a period of time, (initially it is expected to be overwhelmed) you may want to consider seeing your Dr. for antidepressants and/or therapy with a therapist. There are some who specialize just in the grief process.

I am probably not the best person here to give advice but I will tell you what I am going through. My dad passed 28 days ago and I was a caregiver for him. He passed unexpectedly at home. Long story, anyway, He did very much look at peace and wasn't in any pain.

I know the stages and yet I can't put myself in anyone of them. But I find myself certain days in several. If that makes sense. We all grieve differently. Just take one day at a time for now and get through it. Don't make any rash decision even though you think they are ok now may not be later on. Take care.