...and I think I've resolved why. I have been reading much about the grief process on different web sites today and yesterday. The guilt thing I believe can take many different directions. I have set lofty goals for fixing my house up. I had the idea much earlier on because I knew I would need a goal to get through the worst pain I have ever felt. I want to replace carpets/flooring, restore the deck, re-pave the front porch, paint inside and out, clean garage out, etc........ Today, during one of my many pacing sessions, I might have discovered why I feel no motivation to start. It's guilt !!!!! Like, why would I not have done these things when my dear, sweet angel was here with me so she could enjoy it too. My son called today. He called to just let me talk. Three hours I talked. I had some life insurance on Luann. My readings have indicated that you need to come to terms with the guilt. Well, if I use whatever I receive from her policy to fund the work to be done, it's like she is doing the upgrade with me. She herself would be funding it. It's not a lot of money and I do have her expenses to pay but there should be enough left to get me going. Then I can feel like I'm doing this only because of her. My son, 26, helped me. The ones closest to me do worry and try to help. He's been after me to get the project going and I told him I couldn't and told him why. He helped me figure out that this way, mom would be doing it.
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