I'm brand new to this board and DailyStength in general, but have been searching for a place to post how I'm feeling right now and this seems to be a good choice. My name is Kayla and I am 20.

My brother (actually a cousin, but lived with us for so long that he is my brother in my eyes) and his wife gave birth to twins on November 29 after an emergency c-section. A boy and a girl were born, my beautiful niece and gorgeous nephew. Benjamin Michael was born perfectly healthy. It is so hard to even think about this... Olivia Grace was born sleeping. She never opened her eyes, never took a breath, never cried. It doesn't seem real and I don't know that it ever will. Having Benjamin here is such a blessing, but it doesn't stop the pain from never being able to hold my niece, or kiss her, or tell her I love her. My mom sent me pictures (I am currently in school a couple of hours away), and it takes my breath away to see how beautiful she was. It just isn't FAIR.

I don't know what else to say... I have never been very good at expressing my emotions. I have kept everything pretty bottled up, especially with my family being so far away.

I have been browsing around looking for support and have run across more stories of children being born still or dying soon after birth than I could have ever wanted to read... it's so scary. You just never think that it could happen to you or to your family, and when it did happen to us... it just doesn't make sense and I don't know what to do with my thoughts. They are just everywhere. Most of the time I just feel numb to everything, but sometimes I cry. And sometimes I look at Benjamin and can't help but smile because we have been so blessed with having him here with us.

I'm rambling... I just wanted to make my introduction. I am both glad and sorrowful to have to meet any of you, because I don't think anyone should have to feel such pain. I can't even imagine what my brother and SIL are going through. Okay, that's all for now.