
Bereavement Support Group
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My father passed 16months ago and my mother has started dating and i am not happy about it .Everyone else is. My mother is dating online and my parents where married for 34years. So yes i was mad it makes my dad deaths more real.
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Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...
i hope this makes sense.but i do understand your feelings.i just think you and your mother can work things out.if you just talk.
i hope it works out ok
joyce
I loved and still love my husband with all my heart and soul...that love will NEVER die, NEVER! We will resume our marriage again someday...that I believe!
I am soon to be 42 yrs. old, raising our 13 year old daughter, being both mom and dad...doing it totally alone.
ALONE...scary damn word...I have hurt and ached every single solitary day since the day John died...never thought I would ever consider dating, until recently.
Friends of mine introduced me to a nice guy...my daughter and my step son(who is 26) gave me their blessings, so we have started to date...but are taking it slow. We both chose to take this dating thing slow for many many reasons....but everyone is DIFFERENT!
I will never ever stop loving John as I said before...but I do not want to be alone, am sick of the heart ache, like the attention I am getting as it makes me feel alive again, that I am worthy, that I won't have to be sad all the time, it feels good, not wrong.
Just because we, your mom and I choose to start dating, does NOT mean that we are dishonoring our husbands....dang, we have needs that need met as well as any other human on this earth! I don't mean those of a sexual nature, companionship is the BIGGEST reason, that and to rejoin the living!
17 years, 34 years...love is love, no matter how long you were with the person...my husband, and I am sure your father as well, would NOT want for our lives to be all about pain, heartache, sadness, living in the past with what we no longer have, to not smile or laugh...I know they would want nothing but happiness for us.
Please...cut her some slack...she has been through enough hell the last 16 months, she does not need anymore...don't cause her any more heartache...if she is happy, then by all means...be happy for her...she deserves it.
Not trying to hurt you, but if you have not walked in her shoes....then never judge her.
I told my father if he was ready I would support whatever he wanted, because as his daughter I really feel that is what I should do. I do not look at it as a replacement for mom, it never will be. But after having someone to care for such a long time, I do not blame him for wanting the company. We tend to defend the ones we have lost no matter what the issue is, but again, this is not a replacement, just life going on.....Be kind to your father, as much as we ache for our parents, imagine the pain of loosing the love of your life and partner.
I too, lived at the hospital while John was there...NEVER leaving his side, when all that could be done medically after 13 days in the hospital ICU, I had a ambulance to bring us home so that I could take care of him here and be with him as he slowly died in our home...it was heart wrenching to say the least, but would have not done any of it different.
Your words "Imagine losing the love of your life"...I have NEVER endured such pain...never felt so lost or alone...there really are no words to describe how one feels...I hope that anyone has not walked this walk will not know how painful and treacherous it has been for a very very long time...NEVER TAKE ANYONE FOR GRANTED FOR WE JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMMOROW WILL BRING...Please hug your father for me.
To all...
Here is a quote: "It is the true season of Love / when we know that / we alone can love; that no one could ever have loved before us / and that no one / will ever Love in the same way / after us." -- Goethe
There will NEVER be another love the same way as John and I loved/love one another....never. There will NEVER be a replacement for John, because as far as I am concerned there is noone that will ever live up to him, he was one in a million...
Just want a smile on my face and on my heart once again...is that selfish? Is it disrespectful to my husband? I don't believe so...
After my father passed, my mother took years before she would go out shopping with gal friends or out to lunch. I would have been happy for her if she could have found another person to share the rest of her life with. As it stands, she had another 10 years after dad's passing, and the last couple were pretty frought with health problems.
Be happy if they are in good health and living their lives to the fullest, whether that means dating, squaredancing, skydiving, whatever. If they are happy and healthy, that's the important thing.
hugs and prayers,
Becky
I am 39, have been a widow for 14 months. I still miss my husband every day. He was my best friend. I have three small children, so its not been easy. I will always miss him, and try every day to help my children remember and understand how great he was.
I started dating a man four months (!) after Jason's death. It started very casually, we were already friends before Jason died, and he knew my husband very well. He also is a divorced father of 2, and we would take the kids to the park to play, etc. He would check on me (as he did throughout Jason's illness) and help if he could.
I NEVER expected to get involved with anyone-never thought i'd marry again or even date. After we realized how much fun we have together, I worried constantly about what people would think. Would they think that I never loved my husband? Would they think that he was using me? Am i a bad mother/example/person in general?
But I truly believe that my husband wouldn't want me to be alone. As a matter of fact, I think my husband had alot to do with my new relationship. He may have arranged it all for me!;)
And I also believe you have to take love whenever it comes, and I would be foolish to deny myself and my children the love and companionship we have now.
Please be patient. It's very hard for your mom to be alone, and for her to deal with her loss. She's having to find her way without her husband for the first time in 34 years. I was only married for 14, and i was lost without my husband. Just be there for her if she needs you, and take care of each other.
I love my dad and am trying to make sense of it all. Truth is, when it is all said and done, I feel sorry for him. I feel the whole thing is based on having low self esteem and little self worth. He is filling his life with instant gratification and not becoming a "whole" person himself.
At first I thought, "I have been divorced for two years and am raising two pre-high school kids alone and I have no desperate "need" to be dating. What is his problem?" Then I did at least figure out that the two situations are in no way comparable. So far, that is about as far as I have gotten. I still feel that his dating stinks and can't see how I will ever be able to accept, let alone embrace, a woman who is so willing to step in so quickly. It isn't just my dad, what does all of this say about her?
I do realize that being alone can be scary and that is undoubtedly driving my dad. But becoming a bit more self aware and being happy within yourself can go a long way toward filling in those gaps.
Hopefully, for you and me both, we will see our surviving parent pull out and work on their own state of mind. That should take a bit of time. The grieving process needs to be completed before anyone can properly move forward in life. Otherwise it is just filling in a hole with garbage instead of fresh clean dirt that something beautiful can grow on.
I seriously don't believe it has anything at all to do with not still loving the spouse that passed away.
By the same token, my husband and I have talked about this many times that if the other one was gone, we want each other to be happy, and if that means another person in their life, so be it. Not everyone is the same. I know for a fact he would have a really hard time being all alone. He's a people person. On the other hand, I would be fine with never having to share the closet again!
Here's the thing, unless you are the one who has lost someone you've been with for many year, you have no right to judge them. It's not about the spouse that died, it's about the one who is still alive and trying to get by in this world. Life is hard enough, we don't need to be isolated and alone. Sometimes just having somebody there to talk to can mean the difference between wanting to even get out of bed in the morning. They are surviving spouses. They should be allowed to survive the best way they find along their journey. Whatever it takes. And if they are making a big mistake, they will find that out without any interference on our part.
They are not suddenly children and we cannot protect them from the big bad world.
I know it's hard. You don't want another parent and there's absolutely no replacement - ever. Nobody could ever come anywhere near close to holding a candle to your mom or dad who is gone. That's understood right up front. But you can be supportive of your surviving mom or dad, even if it's just respecting their judgment might be off while they sort through their own grief. They may look like they're having the time of their life, but who knows what tears fall in the middle of the night when nobody's around?
Some people just can't be alone. I don't think they should be condemned for that.
hugs and prayers,
Becky
Your comment has made me cry, but not awful tears, but tears for the fact that someone gets it!
You hit the nail on the head on all of it...thought I had made this same point in different words in my comments...
SOOOOOOOO many tears are cried at night alone in the darkness...am so tired of only holding onto my husband's pillow with his shirt on it...so want the companionship again...not all for the sexual needs...there is so much more to it than that, SO MUCH MORE.
No other person will or can ever take the place of another...especially your soul mate, your best friend, the father of your children, the love of your life, your whole entire world....NOONE can do that as there is no other like him.
I just want to be needed, comforted, happy and content, want for my broken heart to mend...John would be so saddened by how I am right now, he loved me more than I probably even deserved to be loved, but he did, and always wanted the very best for me...I know it is ok for me to move forward and heal...never forgetting, never.
I hope the children of these parents that are starting a new life can learn to realize and accept the fact that we are more than just mom and dad...we are human, we have feelings, we have fears, and we have needs...we don't want to go out and find a new daddy for them, I know I could not stand for another man to have my daughter to call him dad, or even discipline her...he does not have that right, and will never be given that right.
I am fortunate in the fact that my 26 year old step son and my 13 year old daughter love me enough to see and know that I am a lost soul right now, and they want me to happy again, they know that their father would want the same for me and they have given me their blessings...my 13 yr. old is young, she is a teen with a bit of an attitude at times, but she has a heart, and is grown up enough to see what is going on...she saw everything that happened with her dad prior to his death, went through it all with me...I have admittingly had to lay it all out for her one day when she told me to get over it...told her that her understanding of her loss and mine were different...they both hurt like hell and told her that her pain mattered, and that mine did too...told her that I pray to God that she never ever know this pain that I feel...as it is far different than that than the loss of a parent.
I have said this before to those who don't seem to get it....If you have never worn these ugly shoes I am wearing or others like me, then , please, do not pass judgement on me/us....
Your parents have been through far too much hell already...it's time for them to receive a slice of Heaven now....let them be happy, as they soooo deserve it.
Kat