yes that would be very hard to take,but please dont be too hard on your mother,if she and your father had a good marriage she is probably lonely, and the better the marriage the lonlier she probably will be,it could be the lonliness and her suffering that is making her seek out companionship.my sister has also started dating,my brother passed away around the same time that your father did, i didnt dream she would be dating,but also i didnt want her sufferig...she was an angel to my brother,and will never stop loving or forget him,i know that.and i know if my brother was here they would difinitely still be together.its sad,but i was really about her having a nervous breakdown or something,and now she is at least taking care of herself now...i was so hurt at first,but i was so worried that she wasnt going to make it either,and she took care of my brother ,for 39 years they were married,it hurts me too.i will always consider her my sister-n-law and she will always feel that way also.but i dont know...but it may just be that your mother is also too lonely,to be alone,and need something to help her go on. but talk to her...tell her how you feel and see what she says.she will probably need you to understand her,and doesnt want you mad at her,i wish i had my mother back...i lost both parents in less than a year.and i think you should still cherish your mother..and at least talk to her and try to understand.unless she is in for trouble or something.but if you are mad at her you wont know tha, you said she is dating online.how long and how well does she know this person.just talk to her.but try not to judge her too badly..
i hope this makes sense.but i do understand your feelings.i just think you and your mother can work things out.if you just talk.
i hope it works out ok
joyce

i know how you feel if it helps. my mother died two years ago and my father has been going out with a women that he calls a friend but they kiss! all he can say is that he won't marry again but this doesn't help the way i feel as any feeling i had for my mother have come to the surface again. for the past two weeks a day hasn't passed without me crying. i really feel he has betrayed my mum and all i get from people around is that it,s his life and that i should be happy for him but the thought of him having another women makes me sick. they were married for 37 years and this women has met my dad at the site where him and my mum had a caravan. but the worst bit is she even knew my mum to talk to and although my dad says this woman was his dancing partner and he has only recently been talking her out for meals i can't help but think it has been going on for longer.i hope it helps you to know somebody feels the same as you. hopefully my feeling will change or my dad and this woman will split up but there is nothing i can do at the moment to stop it. hopefully we will both find a way to cope with our feelings. take care.

I'm sorry that dating again make you all so sad. I am 72 and my husband of 50 years died in Jan. We had many friends that had married a second time after a mate had died and they were so happy. Being alone is not for everyone and even when your old it's nice to have someone to share you life with. My grand mother re-married at 63 & my uncle had a fit. She was married to Bert for 30 wonderful years be for thy passed. Think of it 30 years of companionship. Be happy that they can go on with their lives.

Let me speak as a mom, & a widow of 16 months, from the most wonderful husband of 17 years.

I loved and still love my husband with all my heart and soul...that love will NEVER die, NEVER! We will resume our marriage again someday...that I believe!

I am soon to be 42 yrs. old, raising our 13 year old daughter, being both mom and dad...doing it totally alone.

ALONE...scary damn word...I have hurt and ached every single solitary day since the day John died...never thought I would ever consider dating, until recently.

Friends of mine introduced me to a nice guy...my daughter and my step son(who is 26) gave me their blessings, so we have started to date...but are taking it slow. We both chose to take this dating thing slow for many many reasons....but everyone is DIFFERENT!

I will never ever stop loving John as I said before...but I do not want to be alone, am sick of the heart ache, like the attention I am getting as it makes me feel alive again, that I am worthy, that I won't have to be sad all the time, it feels good, not wrong.

Just because we, your mom and I choose to start dating, does NOT mean that we are dishonoring our husbands....dang, we have needs that need met as well as any other human on this earth! I don't mean those of a sexual nature, companionship is the BIGGEST reason, that and to rejoin the living!

17 years, 34 years...love is love, no matter how long you were with the person...my husband, and I am sure your father as well, would NOT want for our lives to be all about pain, heartache, sadness, living in the past with what we no longer have, to not smile or laugh...I know they would want nothing but happiness for us.

Please...cut her some slack...she has been through enough hell the last 16 months, she does not need anymore...don't cause her any more heartache...if she is happy, then by all means...be happy for her...she deserves it.

Not trying to hurt you, but if you have not walked in her shoes....then never judge her.

My father came to me a little over a yr after mom passed away to ask how I would feel about him having a "friend". I have to say first of all I was taken back by it, it still to me seemed so soon. Then I had to take a minute and think. My mother was so sick the last yr, my father never left her side for anything, he lived at the hospital with her when she was there and never did anything besides the grocery shopping with out her. They were married for just under 50 yrs!!! He is in his seventies and I can only imagine how lonely he is without her. It is not like he left mom for another woman, they were seperated by death not due to a loss of love.
I told my father if he was ready I would support whatever he wanted, because as his daughter I really feel that is what I should do. I do not look at it as a replacement for mom, it never will be. But after having someone to care for such a long time, I do not blame him for wanting the company. We tend to defend the ones we have lost no matter what the issue is, but again, this is not a replacement, just life going on.....Be kind to your father, as much as we ache for our parents, imagine the pain of loosing the love of your life and partner.

To Lilliebird...Thank you, your father feels so much better by knowing he has your blessings....I know how much it means to me for my kids to tell me that it is now my turn for happiness.
I too, lived at the hospital while John was there...NEVER leaving his side, when all that could be done medically after 13 days in the hospital ICU, I had a ambulance to bring us home so that I could take care of him here and be with him as he slowly died in our home...it was heart wrenching to say the least, but would have not done any of it different.

Your words "Imagine losing the love of your life"...I have NEVER endured such pain...never felt so lost or alone...there really are no words to describe how one feels...I hope that anyone has not walked this walk will not know how painful and treacherous it has been for a very very long time...NEVER TAKE ANYONE FOR GRANTED FOR WE JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMMOROW WILL BRING...Please hug your father for me.


To all...
Here is a quote: "It is the true season of Love / when we know that / we alone can love; that no one could ever have loved before us / and that no one / will ever Love in the same way / after us." -- Goethe


There will NEVER be another love the same way as John and I loved/love one another....never. There will NEVER be a replacement for John, because as far as I am concerned there is noone that will ever live up to him, he was one in a million...

Just want a smile on my face and on my heart once again...is that selfish? Is it disrespectful to my husband? I don't believe so...

my mom died in dec of 06. my dad starting dating within 6 weeks and he is still with her. she will NEVER EVER replace my mom just like he will NEVER EVER replace your dad. when people are with someone for that long being alone is hard. all we want is for our parents to be happy. it does take time to get used to. at times i find the woman my father is dating to be a little annoying. but i have to try to think about how she feels. she also lost her husband to cancer and she had cancer as well. life needs to move forward for all of us. there are no rules on how to deal with a loss. we are all here for each other. keep your chin up

It is not human nature to want to be all alone and it's not realistic to expect our parents to stay all alone when they lose their life partner.

After my father passed, my mother took years before she would go out shopping with gal friends or out to lunch. I would have been happy for her if she could have found another person to share the rest of her life with. As it stands, she had another 10 years after dad's passing, and the last couple were pretty frought with health problems.

Be happy if they are in good health and living their lives to the fullest, whether that means dating, squaredancing, skydiving, whatever. If they are happy and healthy, that's the important thing.

hugs and prayers,
Becky

Hello,

I am 39, have been a widow for 14 months. I still miss my husband every day. He was my best friend. I have three small children, so its not been easy. I will always miss him, and try every day to help my children remember and understand how great he was.

I started dating a man four months (!) after Jason's death. It started very casually, we were already friends before Jason died, and he knew my husband very well. He also is a divorced father of 2, and we would take the kids to the park to play, etc. He would check on me (as he did throughout Jason's illness) and help if he could.

I NEVER expected to get involved with anyone-never thought i'd marry again or even date. After we realized how much fun we have together, I worried constantly about what people would think. Would they think that I never loved my husband? Would they think that he was using me? Am i a bad mother/example/person in general?

But I truly believe that my husband wouldn't want me to be alone. As a matter of fact, I think my husband had alot to do with my new relationship. He may have arranged it all for me!;)

And I also believe you have to take love whenever it comes, and I would be foolish to deny myself and my children the love and companionship we have now.

Please be patient. It's very hard for your mom to be alone, and for her to deal with her loss. She's having to find her way without her husband for the first time in 34 years. I was only married for 14, and i was lost without my husband. Just be there for her if she needs you, and take care of each other.

I wish I could say something that would take away the anger and hurt. But I can only offer understanding. My mom passed away in December and my dad has been dating for a couple of months. It seems unnatural and almost like a slap in the face to my mom. They were married for 42 years. I am trying to look at it from another perspective and am having limited luck with that. There is, no doubt, some level of insecurity and dysfunction on my dad's part. I am sure he can't stand being alone. However, it makes me feel like she(mom) never meant anything to him. I know that isn't the case, it just feels like that.

I love my dad and am trying to make sense of it all. Truth is, when it is all said and done, I feel sorry for him. I feel the whole thing is based on having low self esteem and little self worth. He is filling his life with instant gratification and not becoming a "whole" person himself.

At first I thought, "I have been divorced for two years and am raising two pre-high school kids alone and I have no desperate "need" to be dating. What is his problem?" Then I did at least figure out that the two situations are in no way comparable. So far, that is about as far as I have gotten. I still feel that his dating stinks and can't see how I will ever be able to accept, let alone embrace, a woman who is so willing to step in so quickly. It isn't just my dad, what does all of this say about her?

I do realize that being alone can be scary and that is undoubtedly driving my dad. But becoming a bit more self aware and being happy within yourself can go a long way toward filling in those gaps.

Hopefully, for you and me both, we will see our surviving parent pull out and work on their own state of mind. That should take a bit of time. The grieving process needs to be completed before anyone can properly move forward in life. Otherwise it is just filling in a hole with garbage instead of fresh clean dirt that something beautiful can grow on.

It's more complicated than just "being alone". It's having someone there to share the burdens and the joys, it's someone there to prop you up when you need it and kick you in the behind when you need that too. It's about feeling "needed" and not just taking up space, it's laughing at silly things and making your own inside jokes, it's sharing and caring. Many men don't like being bachelors. They don't want to cook or clean the house. They want someone to fuss over them.

I seriously don't believe it has anything at all to do with not still loving the spouse that passed away.

By the same token, my husband and I have talked about this many times that if the other one was gone, we want each other to be happy, and if that means another person in their life, so be it. Not everyone is the same. I know for a fact he would have a really hard time being all alone. He's a people person. On the other hand, I would be fine with never having to share the closet again!

Here's the thing, unless you are the one who has lost someone you've been with for many year, you have no right to judge them. It's not about the spouse that died, it's about the one who is still alive and trying to get by in this world. Life is hard enough, we don't need to be isolated and alone. Sometimes just having somebody there to talk to can mean the difference between wanting to even get out of bed in the morning. They are surviving spouses. They should be allowed to survive the best way they find along their journey. Whatever it takes. And if they are making a big mistake, they will find that out without any interference on our part.

They are not suddenly children and we cannot protect them from the big bad world.

I know it's hard. You don't want another parent and there's absolutely no replacement - ever. Nobody could ever come anywhere near close to holding a candle to your mom or dad who is gone. That's understood right up front. But you can be supportive of your surviving mom or dad, even if it's just respecting their judgment might be off while they sort through their own grief. They may look like they're having the time of their life, but who knows what tears fall in the middle of the night when nobody's around?

Some people just can't be alone. I don't think they should be condemned for that.

hugs and prayers,
Becky

Gizmobit...Becky,

Your comment has made me cry, but not awful tears, but tears for the fact that someone gets it!

You hit the nail on the head on all of it...thought I had made this same point in different words in my comments...

SOOOOOOOO many tears are cried at night alone in the darkness...am so tired of only holding onto my husband's pillow with his shirt on it...so want the companionship again...not all for the sexual needs...there is so much more to it than that, SO MUCH MORE.

No other person will or can ever take the place of another...especially your soul mate, your best friend, the father of your children, the love of your life, your whole entire world....NOONE can do that as there is no other like him.

I just want to be needed, comforted, happy and content, want for my broken heart to mend...John would be so saddened by how I am right now, he loved me more than I probably even deserved to be loved, but he did, and always wanted the very best for me...I know it is ok for me to move forward and heal...never forgetting, never.

I hope the children of these parents that are starting a new life can learn to realize and accept the fact that we are more than just mom and dad...we are human, we have feelings, we have fears, and we have needs...we don't want to go out and find a new daddy for them, I know I could not stand for another man to have my daughter to call him dad, or even discipline her...he does not have that right, and will never be given that right.

I am fortunate in the fact that my 26 year old step son and my 13 year old daughter love me enough to see and know that I am a lost soul right now, and they want me to happy again, they know that their father would want the same for me and they have given me their blessings...my 13 yr. old is young, she is a teen with a bit of an attitude at times, but she has a heart, and is grown up enough to see what is going on...she saw everything that happened with her dad prior to his death, went through it all with me...I have admittingly had to lay it all out for her one day when she told me to get over it...told her that her understanding of her loss and mine were different...they both hurt like hell and told her that her pain mattered, and that mine did too...told her that I pray to God that she never ever know this pain that I feel...as it is far different than that than the loss of a parent.

I have said this before to those who don't seem to get it....If you have never worn these ugly shoes I am wearing or others like me, then , please, do not pass judgement on me/us....

Your parents have been through far too much hell already...it's time for them to receive a slice of Heaven now....let them be happy, as they soooo deserve it.
Kat

((((((((((((((((Kat))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((thanks Becky)))))))))))):o)

Maybe I just look at things a bit differently. But I want more than anything to see some of the pain of my moms passing to leave my fathers face. IF that means having a mew companion, so be it. The glow that I use to see in my father when he looked at my mom is gone, replaced with a lost look and it breaks my heart. This is not about replacement, people are not puppies, you can not just buy a new one, but it is part of the healing process to find someone to share your pain with. In my heart I feel my mother would want my dad to go on and be happy again with someone, I know I would want my husband to if god forbid something happened to me. Alas everyone is different, just remember all the heartache your loved ones have been through already and try to be supportive even if you do not agree. Again, I am very sorry for everyone's loss.........