was on last night. I told my husband I didn't want to watch it because I knew I'd cry. It was the Sound of Music. People used to tell her she looked like Julie Andrews because of the way she did her hair and she was a redhead too. Well, I left it on for her to "watch", her ashes are on a table outside of our bedroom, where she can "see" the tv. Am I wierd? Should I keep her ashes like that, talking to her and thinking she's "aware"? I have been so guilty about not talking to her when she was dying. I took her to the hospital for her treatments every day. I took her to the ER three times, spending hours waiting for results and them admitting her. She would get pissed at me if I didn't stay in the hospital room with her for hours on end. I had to take care of both dogs at her apartment, one was mine and the other was hers who was very old and had trouble going down the stairs. We never shared stories, talked about things or anything that will help give me some closure. I don't want to appear selfish here, I did take care of her for 4 months until her death. I had to finally bring my sister down the last month and a half she was alive. I lived with her until I was 39, nearly 9 years ago since I left. I should have forced her to go to the Dr sooner. When she was admitted for "brain mets", she had to have rehab. There was a HUGE blowup, where she was acting like a child and not eating. My sister yelled at her, calling her a selfish bitch because I had given up my life and left my home and my husband for 4 months. She said mum was lucky to have me helping her. I tried to tell my sister to stop, I was crying. Mum didn't even respond, she just looked at her like she was a stranger. (She was on steroids so her mood wasn't good). When my sister left, I talked mum into eating, and she asked where she went. Am I wrong to feel as if I should bear the brunt of all the guilt? I wasn't there when she actually died. Mum told me she would die alone and I still remember that. Am I being stupid to feel bad? It's been 3 years and I STILL can't get past it.
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