I feel strange posting this in bereavement. My children aren't dead. They're lost to me due to the mother of all custody fights.

I left my ex seven years ago, because he was abusive and getting worse. My lawyer said I couldn't make him leave, and between his beligerence and my desire to be the nice guy, he got the house. It took me nearly two years to get custody, and that left me penniless. The divorce dragged on for four years.

I was in an accident and could no longer afford to support us. I moved out of state to live with my present husband, and the court gave the kids to my ex. I see my youngest one weekend a month and half the summer. Her father is an alienating parent, and her older sister has disowned me. My son, now an adult, keeps his distance from me and has nothing to do with his father.

Last year I left my husband and moved back to Pennsylvania. I filed for a modification of the custody agreement. The judge denied my petition completely, stating there had been "no change" in my circumstances- untrue and grounds the superior court has overturned anyway.

The problem is I can't lodge an appeal. I don't have another $10,000, and with 18 days left in the appeal window, I can't get an attorney on such short notice.

I'm now absolutely clear that I'll never get my daughter back. The judge won't allow it, and he's the president judge of the county court.

I've been in denial about losing my girls these past three years, thinking I could get them back if I could just get a residence where they live now. I no longer have that hope. My lawyer said I committed the "cardinal sin" by moving without permission of the court, and told me to give up and go back to my husband in NY.

Prior to leaving my ex, I was a fulltime stay-at-home mom. My present husband doesn't want to have children, and at our ages (44 and 47) that's not unreasonable. He doesn't share my sense of grief, although he's very sympathetic and supportive.

My problem is grieving the loss that isn't. My children are alive and reasonably well. They're doing excellent work academically, and they seem to be happy. What I've lost is not so much them as my relationship with them as their mother. I have very little clue as to how to manage a deep, soul-wrenching grief that is pretty much mine alone.

I feel alright when I first wake up, then the memories come flooding back. In an instant I'm drowning in a whirlpool of shock, despair, and loss. The only thing keeping me steady lately is the understanding that nothing's changed but my perception of the situation- hope has been displaced by despair. That and the intellectual understanding that these feelings will pass (please god!) keeps me stable.

Much of my grief would be eased, I think, if we lived closer to my girls and I could do things at their schools. The problem is my husband's livelihood depends on his staying in this region. I can be closer to him or to my kids, but not both.

I dont know what to do. I want the pain to stop and my life to be normal, but I don't know how to make those things happen. Anyway I look at it, someone else loses, and I lose no matter what.