Bereavement Support Group
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Hi everyone, I am new and I just wanted to share my story with you and get any advice that anyone might have for me. We lost our little 4 yr old boy, Cayden on November 1 2007 to an accident in a little park right across the street from our house. You may have read or heard about it as it was on the news all over the world. He was hit in the chest with a baseball and it stopped his heart. It was so sudden and we didnt even get to say goodbye to him and this kills me. I can still remember the exact words he said to me as he and his older brother ran out the door to go over to the park, he said "are you happy mom are you happy" and I was. But now all i feel is sadness, anger, emptiness and so many other emotions i cant even explain. I feel like I am a zombie just going through the motions of every day life. I cant remember anything, I never smile and thoughts of him are going through my mind constantly. when i close my eyes to sleep at night, all i do is relive that day over and over again, seeing him lying on the ground not responding and gasping for air. I can not get those visions out of my head. I cry every day several times a day when my husband is at work and my other kids are at school. When every one is home, is it so quite in my house no one talks and there is just sadness all around. The holidays are upon us and i dont feel much like celebrating . I have put up the christmas tree for my other children but my heart wasnt in it.
There are so many questions that I have, I dont know where to begin. What do I do with his clothes, his toys, his bedroom. Everything is still just the way he left it and that is how i want it. my DH was asking me the other day what i was going to do with this little game system cayden had, he said you could give it to someone so they could get some use out of it and i instantly got angry. I said i am not doing anything with it i am leaving it just where it is. Is this normal? I go in every night and make up his bed like he will be getting into it but i know in my heart that he never will. It all seems like a dream to me and that I will wake up at any minute and he will be right here with me, or like he is just away somewhere for awhile and will be coming back. My entire family and my friends have been very supportive and have helped a great deal. i feel such intense heartache and i really dont know how to deal with it. how do you deal with the overwhelming pain when you feel it is almost ready to consume you. I miss him so much, i long to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much i love him. I ache to the core of my soul and i dont know how to cope. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I could sure use it.
Thanks for listening to my story
Sheri
There are so many questions that I have, I dont know where to begin. What do I do with his clothes, his toys, his bedroom. Everything is still just the way he left it and that is how i want it. my DH was asking me the other day what i was going to do with this little game system cayden had, he said you could give it to someone so they could get some use out of it and i instantly got angry. I said i am not doing anything with it i am leaving it just where it is. Is this normal? I go in every night and make up his bed like he will be getting into it but i know in my heart that he never will. It all seems like a dream to me and that I will wake up at any minute and he will be right here with me, or like he is just away somewhere for awhile and will be coming back. My entire family and my friends have been very supportive and have helped a great deal. i feel such intense heartache and i really dont know how to deal with it. how do you deal with the overwhelming pain when you feel it is almost ready to consume you. I miss him so much, i long to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much i love him. I ache to the core of my soul and i dont know how to cope. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I could sure use it.
Thanks for listening to my story
Sheri
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I read with great sadness the story of your grief.
Cayden was a wonderful, sweet, precious soul that no longer resides on this earth. What a shame! I am certain he brought happiness to all who knew him.
When my daughter was killed, I did not get say goodbye either. She drove away and never returned. Beth was 15 when she died and it took me three years to stop crying for hours every day.
Like you, I went through the motions of holidays... not for me - but for the survivors of the tragedy. It turns out it was a good thing... People say it meant a lot that I was able to celebrate - even if most of it was an act. At least I made them happy.
You don't need to spend time alone. Time and loneliness are your enemies right now. It is important for you to have a good support system while some time passes.
I felt that Beth would walk through the door at any moment. She didn't.
I read and re-read books on mourning written by people who had lost their children. Here's the thing: NO ONE lost YOUR son. You lost Cayden. YOU have that sense of devastation that no other person on earth can feel.
Your feelings are valid. Recognize them as being genuine. You are allowed to feel what you need to feel.
It's as if a hole has been ripped in your soul. Like someone reached through your chest and pulled your still beating heart from it's position.
Dealing with this type of pain is a full time task. I tried everything. Therapy did not work for me. Crying helped. Talking to friends helped. Even living a bit in denial helped me somewhat. The one thing that REALLY helped was time...
Your biggest problem is... what do you do while the time passes?
When Beth died, a friend of my who had lost her son came to see me. She suggested that I ask someone to pack away all of Beth's things. Seal the boxes and label them. Put them out of sight.
Then, later... much later when you CAN cope with it... open the boxes and make decisions at that time.
By the way... it took me a few years to reopen the boxes. The other kids were older and they appreciated Beth's possessions and enjoyed the memories they brought back. I allowed them to choose what they wanted to keep of hers and until this day, they treasure the items they chose.
I did not visit the grave much. Some people get peace from that. I didn't get absorbed by religion, but I have spoken with people who drew upon their faith and their church family.
I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and send all of my positive energy your way to keep you comforted.
Jo :)
Again I am so very sorry. I hope that time will help you heal.
From Bereaved Parents of the USA:
The death of our children at any age from any circumstance is indeed one of the cruelest blows that life has to offer. The journey through this grief is a very long, dark, difficult and painful one for bereaved parents.
In the early minutes, days, weeks, months and even years of grief, we find ourselves in an all consuming grief and pain beyond description. We find it difficult to carry on our everyday lives or to think of little except our childrens death. Even our once wonderfully happy memories, shared with our children while they lived, now bring us pain for a time.
Bereaved parents do not get over the death of our children nor snap out of it as the outside world seems to think we can and should. The death of our children is not an illness or a disease from which we recover. It is a life altering change with which we must learn to live.
With the death of our children we are forced to do the impossible: build a new life and discover a new normal for ourselves and our families in a world that no longer includes our beloved children.
It is important for newly bereaved parents to know that they will experience a wide and often frightening variety of intense feelings after the death of our children.
It is also important for newly bereaved parents to understand and know that all of the feelings that you experience are very natural and normal under the circumstances.
Equally important for you to know and believe is that as much as you cannot possibly believe it, you will not always feel this powerful and all consuming grief.
But right now you must follow the instincts of your soul and allow your bodies and hearts to grieve. The grief resulting from your childs death can not be skirted over, around or under. You must go through it in order to come out on the other side.
Be gentle and patient with yourself and your family. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, and to retell your childrens story as often as needed and for as long as you need to.
Eventually, you will smile and find joy again. You will never forget your child; he or she will be with you in your heart and memories for as long as you live.
Some of the things you may experience or feel are:
Depression.
A profound longing and emptiness.
Wanting to die. This feeling usually passes in time; for eventually you will realize that you must go on for the sake of remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.
Profound sadness.
Crying all the time or at unexpected times.
Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items.
Wondering Why???
Forgetfulness.
Questioning yourself over and over: "IF only I had.?" "Why didnt I?"
Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.
Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.
Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)
Great physical exhaustion. Grief is hard work and consumes much energy!
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.
Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing (if these feelings persist see your physician) tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.
Lack of appetite or over eating.
Weight gain or weight loss.
Anxiety. (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)
Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return. (Denial can be effectively treated by spiritual leaders as well as psychologists. Seek help if your denial phase persists beyond a month.)
Needing to tell and retell the story of your childs death.
Inability to function in your job.
Sensing your childs presence or an odor or touch associated with your child.
Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your childs favorite food(s) on the shelves.
Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is dead? (Your child will want you life to be as good and as happy as possible in spite of deaths intervention.)
Feelings as if your spouse or other family members dont understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember everyone grieves differently.
Losing old friends who dont seem to understand your pain and grief.
Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.
Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings. Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time.
Becoming very frustrated with others who expect you to be over this in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be over this too soon.
Grief work from the death of your child is a slow process. Be patient with yourself.
Keep remembering that you are not the only one who has had these experiences. These experiences are all typical, natural and normal feelings for bereaved parents. You cannot ignore them: you must work through them. It will require even more time to feel better if you try to deny your feelings. There are no timetables for grief; each person must take as long as it takes for him or her to work through these feelings.
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90 Minutes in Heaven - Cecil Murphy
A Broken Heart Still Beats - McCracken & Semel
Angel Visions - Doreen Virtue
Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul
Children of the Dome - Rosemary Smith
Christmas Box, The - Richard Paul Evans
Don't Kiss Them Goodbye - Allison DuBois
Fall of Freddie the Leaf, The - Leo Buscaglia (for children)
Grieving Forward - Susan Duke
Hello from Heaven - Guggenheim
Home with God in a Life that Never Ends - Neale D. Walsch
How to Survive the Loss of a Child - Catherine Sanders
Lament for a Son - Nicholas Wolterstorff
Lessons from the Light - George Anderson
Live After Death - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
One Last Time - John Edward
Our Children are Forever - Martin & Romanoski
Quit Kissing My Ashes - Judy Collier
Saving Graces - Elizabeth Edwards
Talking to Heaven - James van Praagh
Travel Guide to Heaven - DeStefano
Walking in the Garden of Souls - George Anderson
We are their Heaven - Allison DuBois
What the Bleep do We Know - Arntz, Chasse, Vicente
When Bad Things Happen to Good People - Harold Kushner
When the Bough Breaks - Judith Bernstein
Love,
Rainbow
I am so sorry for the loss of little Cayden! My heart breaks for you. I have a one year old boy and he is my life. I just lost my Mom who was my very best friend in the world. It is very difficult to move past losing a loved one. It is even harder to move past losing a child, you need to go easy on yourself. Of course you are not ready to move Cayden's things. That is normal. Keep his things around you as long as you need to. I would not let me Dad even wash my Mother's dirty clothes or move them out of the closet. Her suitcase from when she came to visit me in Philly (where she passed) is still packed just the way she packed it and is sitting in her bedroom. You are not the only one who feels this way, you are not alone! This just happened, you will not feel like celebrating Christmas, you will have intense heartache and the overwelming pain. All of us on this board are experiencing many of these same emotions and we are here for you. I know you miss him, and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could do something to bring our loved ones back, to make you feel better, to make the pain go away for all of us. Just know that you are not alone and you are surrounded by friends on this board who are going through the same devastation. I am always here for you. (((hugs)))
Holly
There are no words I can say to make this grief dissolve, but I hope that you know that he will always love you. I'm so sorry.
He is such a sweet young guy in the picuture.
I lost my son, too, in Sept. 05, and losing them just before the holidays doesn't make it any easier....I spent Thanksgiving at a 24 hr walkin mental health clinic because I was left ALONE that day.
Your loss is so new. Take all the time you can to take care of yourself, and see if you can get family or friends to take you somewhere, or come over for a cup of coffee....and/or you can look for a "real live" support group in your area.
This place has wonderful, understanding people in it who will do all they can to be of help to you.
There is also a special profile here called "formomsonly" that is just for moms who have lost their children. It is just as if it were a person on here, but it is a group of its own.
Welcome to Daily Strength!!!