It's been a little over a week and I'm feeling confusion over my loss. I keep thinking, "What if I would have..." and I keep telling myself there was nothing I could do beyond what I did. It was too fast to lose my friend who was such a love in my life. My outbursts of sobs have almost stopped, but the emptiness in my heart is still there. I know that I am grieving and I have the right to grieve, yet my work is making it impossible for me to respect my process. I worry that I won't have space in my heart again for the love I had for my friend. I tried to reach out to counselors today - the soonest that they could see me was almost 3 weeks from now. I am still holding up to my responsibilities and caring for my pet. I just need someone to write to, even if the message goes out into a great void.
I miss my friend. I miss everything about her. Even her grumpy times. Her smile, her happy personality...they aren't gone from me forever - I have photos and memories. And those memories make me smile! I just wish I could have had a little more time. She was ill and had been for a while. The day was inevitable and I feel ashamed about being upset on the days were she was too ill to be her normal self and want to do anything. I felt like we should make every moment count! But, she was too ill and it made me sad and upset. I feel guilt about that. I feel regret that I couldn't save her/help her/make everything better. I didn't leave her side. I was there the moment she passed. I was upset when it dawned on me that she was gone and there had been no great change in anything around me. I figured that maybe the world would stop for a moment - but, it didn't. Everything kept going, kept moving and time didn't stand still. That seems so unfair! That someone I loved so much wasn't even a concern to life. Life and death seem to care for no one. They just are what they are.
I miss my friend. My heart is broken.
I saw my therapist today. I went over the last week. And then she said the words that no one has yet spoken."Nana is dying". And it stabbed me right in the heart. I lost both of my my great grandmothers, I lost my dad's mom who I wasnt close to. But Nana's was always my second home. And now I am losing her. I dont know what to do.I need your advice and wisdom. I know when she does passs that it...
my illness is such that nothing helps anymore. I’ve tried so many meds. The Lamictal helps some to keep me from going to low or too high. I am still a mess though. I get suicidal, homicidal, my emotions are all over the place, and the hate and anger I have is so extreme. I’m not agitated or anything I mean I don’t feel it. I take my meds, I see my psychiatrist, and I do talk therapy. I...