It's been a little over a week and I'm feeling confusion over my loss. I keep thinking, "What if I would have..." and I keep telling myself there was nothing I could do beyond what I did. It was too fast to lose my friend who was such a love in my life. My outbursts of sobs have almost stopped, but the emptiness in my heart is still there. I know that I am grieving and I have the right to grieve, yet my work is making it impossible for me to respect my process. I worry that I won't have space in my heart again for the love I had for my friend. I tried to reach out to counselors today - the soonest that they could see me was almost 3 weeks from now. I am still holding up to my responsibilities and caring for my pet. I just need someone to write to, even if the message goes out into a great void.
I miss my friend. I miss everything about her. Even her grumpy times. Her smile, her happy personality...they aren't gone from me forever - I have photos and memories. And those memories make me smile! I just wish I could have had a little more time. She was ill and had been for a while. The day was inevitable and I feel ashamed about being upset on the days were she was too ill to be her normal self and want to do anything. I felt like we should make every moment count! But, she was too ill and it made me sad and upset. I feel guilt about that. I feel regret that I couldn't save her/help her/make everything better. I didn't leave her side. I was there the moment she passed. I was upset when it dawned on me that she was gone and there had been no great change in anything around me. I figured that maybe the world would stop for a moment - but, it didn't. Everything kept going, kept moving and time didn't stand still. That seems so unfair! That someone I loved so much wasn't even a concern to life. Life and death seem to care for no one. They just are what they are.
I miss my friend. My heart is broken.
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2yr months due to constant arguments, I was living with him.(Side note: Previous to him I had a boyfriend of 12 years which will I refer to previous ex for clarity of this messed up story). Now going back to my recent ex of 2yr ...The arguments where mostly caused because I have an anxious attachment style and im very jealous and insecure.The only...
So my new roommate and I were getting along well. She suggested i apply to be a substitute teacher in the district as she is a teacher. I go to orientation on Wednesday. I'll probably start subbing in September. I can work when i want and I can work a few days a month or all month if I want to. There's a need for subs daily and not enough available.But I can't stay living where I am. I have to...