Last Tuesday I lost my daddy somewhat unexpectedly. I suspect he had some type of cancer but I've not gotten his medical records back to confirm. Long story short... we belive his blood sugar (he was diabetic) dropped out while he was asleep and he died. About two months ago he started calling me weekly talking to me about what he wanted done with his things when he was gone. I kept asking if something was wrong and telling him not to think so negatively. He still insisted. I have half siblings (none are biological to him). They have treated him horribly over the years (minus one of them who has started coming around about 4 years ago. She comes in once or twice a year and sees him). My brother hasn't spoken to my dad since our/his mom separated from him 6 years ago. Suddenly now that he's passed... dad has made it clear that what little bit he has goes to my boys (the only grandchildren he ever got to spend time with) and myself. He wanted me to take his small policy to put a down payment on a house. He made me promise I wouldn't let them guilt me into giving anything to them. He says they are all well off (they are) and I stayed around and lived paycheck to paycheck trying to take care of him and mom. He said this is the last thing he can do to take care of me. He made his wishes clear to my grandmother, his best friend and my uncle as well. Said he didn't have to worry about the others and wanted to make sure he didn't have to worry about me.
My siblings showed up at the viewing, took me out to dinner and immediately started asking about anything of value. I didn't handle it the greatest because I do love them and how do you tell them he left them nothing? Basically I asked them to at least wait until the funeral was over because I wasn't ready to discuss it (my husband and I were discussing what to give them for their kids that wouldn't also be going against what dad wanted). They blew up on me, called me selfish and all kinds of other things.
So now I'm mad. I'm mad that I'm worried about this stupid stuff and it's made me so sick that I can't even grieve for my dad. Instead of grieving his loss, I'm grieving the loss of my siblings. Even if I share with them... it wont be enough. They are angry and all say it's not the point of the matter that they dont need it, it's that they want it and are entitled to it because he was married to their mom. But when my mom and dad separated they didn't even want to let dad go to her funeral and didn't give him any of the few things she had left. Dad didn't say a word, though I threw a fit and he went to the funeral (they were married for 35 years prior to the separation). SO as I explained to my brother.... you can't decide they aren't married and then change your mind when he has money to offer.
I'm angry because I feel like it's obvious they only want money and like they obviously dont care about him or me. They were so disrespectful after his wake and didn't even cry. They didn't shed a tear or show any emotion until I pointed out that they hadn't and then at the funeral a couple of them cried a little. I'm so torn. My grandmother says if I give them anything she will never speak to me again because they were so mean to my dad and he made it clear what he wanted. But my siblings say I'm selfish and it doesn't matter what he wanted because he's dead. I'm so torn on what to do. It feels wrong when I think about giving them anything because it all holds so many memories for me and none of it holds memories for them. Other people have asked for things like a Harley shirt or his jean jacket because those are sentimental. But they literally only asked about the insurance money, his guns and his Harley. NOTHING ELSE.
I think my biggest hang up is the anger that I even have to worry about this. My second biggest is that one of the sisters had been making a decent effort. Coming in to see him a few times a year. Her and I have talked every day for the last year or so. I miss her. But she was one of the meanest. When she spoke up I thought she was going to ask them to wait until a better time but then she just made a snide comment about how they weren't going to get anything. I was kind of shocked. I'm worried about her. I tried to talk to my brother and he wouldn't even discuss any of it. Said I was making excuses to make myself feel better and making stuff up in my head. I've never had him do that to me. I was shocked. I just finally had to tell him that he made his choices and I made mine. I can't help it if he wasn't happy with his choices. I took care of my momma and daddy and even though it was hard because of bad situations... I still maintained a relationship with them both. It's not my fault that they didn't.
I feel like deep down... I know it's right to do what he asked because he had good reason and it meant so so much to him. But the other part of me is scared... of regretting losing my siblings (and truthfully... the damage is already done) and regretting my choice. Has anyone ever been put in this situation where a parent leaves you everything and the kids who never had anything to do with them suddenly want stuff? I'm a Christian and I keep seeing a verse pop up everywhere (Psalm1:1-2) about not following advice of the wicked and delighting in the law of the Lord. The only thing I can find regarding honoring your parents wishes is the Exodus verse about honouring your mother and father. I'm just so lost. Deep down I've made my decision but my daddy always taught me to do the right thing so I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision.
FYI- legally I'm not worried. He never adopted them and I'm the only legal next of kin. It's the moral stuff I'm struggling with.
I had a day of ups and downs, while taking care of workand then chores at home. I sat down in front of the TV and I just feltungrounded. A lot of anger energy but mostly just felt ungrounded, out of controland the word that came to mind was incompetent. Naming my feeling kind of gave mesome ground to stand on - but do you guys feel ungrounded ever and just super energeticwithout so much sense...
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