Hello. I am new to this group and would love any advice and support. I lost my dad 8 months ago after battling Stage 4 lung cancer. He was diagnoised in April of last year in which we were told it could possibly be a stage 1 or 2. In May, my dad would undergo surgery to remove a portion of his lower lung. However, the surgery was unsuccessful as we were told that his cancer was a stage 4 and had metastasized but remained contained in his lung. I don't know call me naive or in denial but I remained positive that he would go into remission. His only option was chemotherapy which was started late May. His treatment was 1x every 3 wks for 16 wks. Dad remained in good spirits but distanced himself from the family. I am sure chemo took most of his energy but he missed out on so much, graduations, birthdays, etc... It was tough for him not to be around. Everytime he would go in for a check up his vitals were good and the tumor had shrunk in half. Thanksgiving Eve my dad was supposed to have a procedure done (not cancer related) but because his O2 was low he could not have it done. My parents went to see his oncologist. He checked him out and said everything sounded ok. His O2 was still low but was given oxygen. It was decided that he would be given an O2 tank. Now, I could be wrong but how long does it take for someone to be fitted for a tank? I felt he could have been given one that day. Anyway, my dad was sent home. I spoke to mom later that evening and she was so upset. I remember her crying, she was scared and he wasn't improving. On Thanksgiving, we are all going about our way until my mom calls telling me dad is at the hospital but everything was ok. He would be given O2 and probably stay at the hospital for observation. She told my sister and I that we needed to have Thanksgiving and she would see us later. Mom called with a few updates that morning and then told us we needed to come to the hospital. Everything that could have went wrong did and my mom was there by herself for it all. My dad suffered a heart attack and was in a coma and he had pneumonia. Mom said everything happened so fast. That my dad looked so scared and he knew it was worse than they both thought. I replay that conversation over and over in my head. We were able to say our goodbyes and we know he could hear us. He let us know he could hear us. I feel so self because all I kept say that I was sorry and begging him not to leave us. I told him over and over again I loved him. My dad and I were never really close but I would say I was a daddy's girl. We hardly ever spoke on the phone. Nothing really changed when he was diagnoised with cancer. We never changed our lives. I would call or text to see how he was doing. Luckily we were able to have family pictures taken and celebrate Thanksgiving a few earlier. I have so many things that I wanted to say to him. I have so many things I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have told him it was ok and that we would make sure mom is ok. I know he knew that because my husband told him when we first found out the diagnoisis. My dad was more worried about me then himself that day. I can go days without crying but then out of the blue something hits me and I am bawling. I was talking to my mom this morning and something in our conversation made her cry which is what brought me here today. I just want her to be happy and not sad. I think most days she is probably happy. I worry so much about her that I feel sometimes it might be too much. That maybe I put her in front of my own family. Even though mine and my sisters lives are back to normal. My mom has to find her new normal without my dad. That is extremely hard for me. My mom is a very strong woman. I don't give her enough credit sometimes. I just know my dad and her have dealt with so much over the past 8 years with health issues between them both. I often wonder if things would have been differently if the doctors would have listened to my dad instead of making him feel like it was all in his head. We are always told we know our bodies better than anyone else. Why didn't they listen to him instead of telling him it was old age, arthritis, muscles, etc... His GP kept sending him to a pain managment clinic. It was that doctor after a couple visits that decided to send him in for MRI's and CT scan's. I just don't understand why no one would listen to him knowing that it had been going on for several months maybe even a year.
my illness is such that nothing helps anymore. I’ve tried so many meds. The Lamictal helps some to keep me from going to low or too high. I am still a mess though. I get suicidal, homicidal, my emotions are all over the place, and the hate and anger I have is so extreme. I’m not agitated or anything I mean I don’t feel it. I take my meds, I see my psychiatrist, and I do talk therapy. I...
I don't know what is wrong with me! I am so sad and don't understand why. I don't remember much of this year and that is really frustrating to me. I know at one point I had friends but now I don't. I have no idea what happened with that but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm just meant to be alone. So so sad and so incredibly alone. I don't know what to do or even how to feel.