Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
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Insensitive Son and Family

deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband recently passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly, and besides being in mourning, I'm left with several disadvantages, including no transportation. Family members were very insensitive at a recent family gathering, not wanting to recognize that I was in mourning, not quite up to partying and also disadvantaged in some ways. One in particular went out of her way to be especially hard nosed, insensitive and nasty, expecting me to do things my situation didn't allow me to do and going out of her way to make me miserable just to be mean. I felt that was uncalled for and unkind, but my adult son is trying to convince me I was being selfish by only being able to do what I could do and by expecting to be treated nicely. He thinks I should be turning myself inside out to please others, have no needs, not think of me and not expect others to think of me. He thinks I should not be offended by what my sister did, when she still isn't willing to own up to the fact that she was wrong. And I have to think of me, especially at a time like this, and I feel my son should be supportive of me, not telling me to accept that terrible treatment. I'm all alone, and if I don't take care of me, no one will.

Apparently my family scared him and made him think I'm not gonna get over this if I think of myself, but I know what I need, and I need to be pampered right now. I don't need to turn into Edith Bunker. I need to heal, and I need to be treated very well, and it does help me when I treat myself well. Any suggestions how to get my son off this kick???
mgs1
mgs1
Buy the Book... "you can feel good again" by Richard Carlsen.
Then re-read your post.
deleted_user
deleted_user
People think like they think, regardless of up bringing. You probably can't change them, so you need to give yourself what you think you need. I am sorry they are not there for you. Rainbow
deleted_user
deleted_user
you cannot change anyone, but you can firmly demand that you be treated with respect right now. you have a right to your grief, and to your need to be treated with kindness and gentleness. treat yourself well, indeed, treat yourself with the utmost respect. when grief happens, it seems that many people we know around us tend to balk because we have changed, we are not the same people that they are used to. well, thats their problem, not ours. as one therapist told me, 'your spirit is in intensive care'. treat yourself accordingly. dont put on a face to make anyone happy. be a mess. ask for help when you need it. love yourself . own your grief, and if your son balks, tell him lovingly but firmly you are in deep grief and need to be in deep grief. eventually he will find out you are not going to change to make anyone happy. thats not your job anyway, its our job now only to take care of ourselves. grief saps ones strength, it knocks me out, i am lucky i get thru the day at some sort of functioning level half the time. the last thing i would need is anyone expecting anything of me. i have let everyone know that now. much love to you, be gentle with yourself. good for you for knowing that you must take care of you now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
when my uncle passed away my aunt didn't know what to do. He drove her everywhere. She didn't know how to use the buses etc. Her daughter complained that her mom was always asking her to take her here and take her there. Fortunately, big sister, who lived too far away, told her to teach her mom to use the bus and help her learn to get around. To help mom in several other ways. So she did help her mom. My aunt started busing it everywhere and even bused it to my mom's place 2.5 hours away. Why are people so insensitive to our needs. You do need pampered. I loved to take this aunt out with my mom as well. She died 2 years after her husband. Now my mom has joined. People forget that we are still grieving. Do you know of a friend that could talk to him and tell him you really need him right now and it is not selfish. Maybe they can help him see it in a positive way as with my aunt. She really responded well. She was just afraid to learn it on her own and didn't even know how start.

My heart is with you.
ihart
ihart
The only people we can change are ourselves. Not sure how old your son is but try telling him how you feel. If that doesn't work keep doing things that make you feel better.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Brace yourself! I had a family member who (3 1/2 weeks after Mom passed) not only criticized every detail of the wake/funeral and my choices, but dredged up a years' old experience that she disagreed on with Mom. (And they tell US to put things behind us?) I asked her not to say anything negative when Mom wasn't here to defend herself and was told she wasn't saying anything negative - and then continued saying an utter falsehood about my Mom, meaner than could be imagined. What bitterness posesses people to do such cruel things?

This was her mother's sister she was lying about to me, the daughter. I told her the conversation was over and hung up. She's only called once since then leaving a message but no apology on my answerphone.

It's been a month now, and I think an apology is in order. The hurt from this - not to mention the inaccuracy - was unconscionable. How do we recoup from these during a time of grief?
koolman
koolman
Well, you can't change what THEY think; all you can do is change (or not change) yourself. But it's tough when family is all we've got and they're not supportuve. If no one else wants to pamper you, you're going to have to pamper yourself. It does help to reach out to others, but we need to take care of ourselves too. These people are obviously not emotionally equippped to deal with grief, so, in they're own way, they're telling you that. They'll never know what it's like until it happens to them. Then they'll come to you for help. I would tell your son this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think your relatives and son have no idea how to react to someone in mourning, a lot of people do and say the wrong things, sometimes without malice they just don't know better. And some people live by the "suck it up!" credo, meaning they expect people to just get over any tragedies that happen to them in the shortest time possible so they try to treat the breaved like everything is notrmal and they should not grieve. These people I think do not realize people need to grieve a loss it is the only way to heal and move on and everyone grieves in their own way and in the amount of time they need. I hope you can join some bereavement group in your town where you can grieve with others and in the process not only heal but make some wonderful friendships. I think only people who have recently lost a dear loved one can understand what other grieving people are going through. Your "mean" family members will one day have their tragedies to live through ( all of us have to go through that in this life) and when they do, you should take the high road and offer them your comfort, hating them and being angry at them will not do any good for you. Hopefully they will come around and help you, but you know maybe they are fearful they will break down themselves if they grieve for your husband too. People are strange. I truly hope wonderful little joys come to you everyday so that you can smile and feel better.
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