It is nice to come hear and type. Some of the things I am feeling seem to private to share with family and friends. Like the pain is too much. I don't want to scare them. So typing here is good. My father said I worried him at the casket on Friday. So I try to be stronger so I don't worry him. But the truth is I am not strong. I am so weak inside. Feel like I am falling apart. A bit scared myself. In a way I want to fall apart. I want to be sad, but can't because of the girls. They get a little scared if I cry. Daddy cried a lot before he killed himself. He was so depressed. Girls get scared if I seem sad. Wonder if I will choose to leave this world too. Told them no, but they still seem insecure. This is so very hard and unfair. Part of me is angry and the other part feels guilty for being angry. All of me is sad.
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