its 4am and I just cant sleep I woke up to having another really bad panic attack I guess I went to be stressed out and thinking about alot of stuff I guess I was to stressed about it and had a dream and it set me off into a major panic attack its been almost 5 months since my grandpa passed away and I still cant get over it! last weekend was our first family function since he passed away and it was very hard it was one of those things where I kept like looking for him to show up and when he didnt I came back to realize he isnt coming and I would just cry and cry it was just very hard I just dont understand why I cant get over missing him and "move on" im doing everything I can to move on and be happy like i know he would want me to but its like alot harder said than done! ive moved my room around ive done some things around my house for that "change" but its just still not making things any easier for me! almost 5 months and I still cry at night and have horrible dreams all night long! when is it going to get better like never?? im trying to make things feel as normal as It used to be and I feel like how can things be normal when hes gone?! I know he isnt hurting anymore and I know he isnt in pain anymore and I know he wouldnt want me to be as sad as i am but I honestly cant get better and Im just really depressed to the point where my health is not good right now just stress and everything is eating me alive! just feel horrible and I dont know how many times ive caught myself feeling horrible about missing him and going to pick up the phone to call him and then realize I cant call him because hes gone! and the other day a doctors office called for him and I had to tell them that he passed away and the lady was like ohh haha um sorry is what she said! and I was like how rude how can you laugh at someone when they tell you that their loved one passed away how would she like it if she lost one of her loved ones and someone laughed about it?! prolly pretty horrible! and well thats how I felt! I guess ive done enough blabbing on but I guess the point to this is I miss him and cant get over it! has anyone else ever thought about suicide and feeling like that was your only way out? I feel as if everything is so hard to the point where I just mentally cant deal with it anymore! its really tearing me apart inside and im ready to hit rock bottom! im just trying to stay strong and get through everything but ive been going through this for almost 5 months now and nothing has changed and I found out today that most likely my grandpa's house is going to be auctioned off and that tears me apart because its just wow all the memories all the times ive been with him there are all going to be gone and its more than I can deal with! I guess im going to try and go back to sleep which I doubt it im just way to anxious :(
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