I'm so deeply in love with my boyfriend who passed a few months ago. His family blames me for his accidental drug overdose, they wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral, and his younger relatives want to harm me. they hate me, and its really hard to not hate myself. My boyfriend had always been there for me, cared for me, took care of me, and accepted everything about me. because of our lifestyle, we pushed each other to overdose, and i made it out alive. I really wish he was here with me, or that i would've gone with him. I know i won't ever meet anybody like him, and it tears me up to know i was a factor in his death. I know it's not my fault, but i just wish i ould turn back time and never met him, so he could still be alive. The world was a better place with him. He was such a warm, bighearted person. I felt so safe when i had him around, and now i'm hiding from the people that knew him and loved him most. My problem is that i rarely talk abouthim, even though i think about him constantly. I feel ashamed of his death, because he deserved a much more honorable way to bow out. I know i'm being blamed for his death, and i feel like i dont deserve to talk about it and grieve like his family is. I have so much guilt because i was dishonest with him about some things when he was alive, and im scared he doesnt love me anymore. i can only suppress my tears for so long. i'm so lost without him. i know i have to move on with my life, but i hate having to do it without him around. i want to make him proud of me, but i hate doing anything without him. i need him back.
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