Bereavement Support Group
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One year ago tonight was the last time I spoke to Ron, he fell asleep on the sofa I went into bed and when I woke up at 4:30am to use the powder room - I went to check on him and he was not snoring so I walked around the sofa and the only light was the TV - It did not look like he was breathing and I reached over for hand saying Ron wake up and when I touched his hand and it was cold and he was not responsive I shook his hand - his arm - and then put my hands on his cold face saying more and more loudly Ron wake up! and there was no response and then I just started to say Oh God Oh God wake up don't do this to me - Is this really happening? Oh God I do not remember much for a few moments after that except I went and put on a fleece shirt grabbed my cell phone opened the front door, turned on the lights and called 911 - I was on autopilot - when 911 answered I quickly and very clinically (where did that come from) said Ron's full name and the address and situation and asked for an ambulance they put me hold and someone picked up and I immediately repeated what I had said and the person asked where is he and I said "Have you dispatched the ambulance?!" and the man responded "yes, we need you start CPR" and then they asked where he was and said I had to get him on the floor and I tried several times with the guy asking is he on the floor and I said "No, I cannot move him" (He was a big man, not overweight just big) and my heart was pounding so hard and my breathing was so erratic I thought I was going to faint - but I got him on the floor - I do not remember how but I did and his head was a little cockeyed so I had to straighten him out by bracing my feet on the sectional and pulling him down the carpet and then - that is when I saw his face clearly he was purple and his face was two or three times its normal size and the guy asked me if he had a heartbeat and I said I cannot tell because my own heart was pounding in my ears, the man talked me through the CPR till the paramedics arrived -I heard the front door open and I got up and walked backwards so as not to see them and went in the dining room and tried to calm down because I was shaking so hard and my heart was racing and I was hyperventilating I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack - the police showed up and asked me a bunch of questions and I could not even remember the year Ron was born - I kept standing up and sitting down asking "Is he dead?" and then saying "No don't tell me I cannot handle it" I think I did this fifty times or so - up and down up and down - they took him out as a code and I remember thinking oh a code - code is not dead but knowing on some level in my subconscious that code is dead - I wanted to go with him so he was not alone but the police told me I could not leave because they considered it a crime scene if he was dead - I was mortified, it seemed so callous - They got a heart beat when he was in the ambulance but the police did not know this for about an hour - there is a lot more about how I figured out how to get a hold of his sister - I could not think straight. I could not call his parents his Mother had just gone into remission after a year of Chemo for breast cancer and his father had just been diagnosed with liver, lung and stomach cancer - finally I found his sisters phone number and the police called her and she started screaming and I grabbed the phone from the officer and told her what had happened and begged her to get the hospital so he would not be alone. So I guess I am nervous I will wake up at 4:30am and or be plagued by these memories in my dreams tonight - I have not had those dreams for awhile - Sorry I am being so wordy and I will probably be posting for the next couple of days trying to exorcise some of these horrific flashbacks - I actually feel a little better sharing some of what happened - Thanks
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
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Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...
I think of my many pet familiars, take a dog we had for many years before she died: Whenever Angel would lie down, to sleep or just to take a nap, she would turn around and around, right, like all dogs, no?
Well, I think humans need to do the same thing, but in more of a metaphysical way. When I go to bed, if I am having a hard time, I sort of imagine that I was long, long boa constrictor and I was wrapping myself up into a little spiral, curving inwardly.. My Chinese zodiacal sign is the Snake, btw.. (or else it might be weird!)
It's good to just lay down and take deep breaths... and focus just on the breathing, but not too many breaths, no more than 10 real deep diaphragmatic breaths.. You can talk to yourself using soothing, calming words.. a soothing, healing tone..
Put your hand on your chest, over your heart.. and talk to your heart...
Talk to those you have lost, if you feel you must.. I'll never know if my grandfather hears me when I intone soft prayer-like words to him as I fall asleep... All I know is that I always end up feeling secure and I fall asleep within seconds..
I am not a religious or much of a spiritual man, but when the going gets tough, if I can't sleep, I will cry and cry and cry and you betcha that I'm gonna call to the Lord Himself if I have to...
I am not all that much of a believer, but I can tell you one thing.. Whoever or whatever it is... When I have had insomnia for days, or bad sleep and nightmares for whatever period of time...
I use my breath, I take deep breaths, I focus on my breath, and I make sounds... moaning sounds, of I intone my humble psalms or lamentations.. I sing myself a lullaby if I feel that I must, if it will help me sleep...
At some point, I am just asleep...
Dreams cannot hurt me.
And whether my grandfather hears me or not, or whether Jesus exists or not, it doesn't hurt me to do what it takes so that I can sleep soundly at night..
Though before any of this, I did at least 2 or 3 turns of my successes in life and in recent times, and what I have to be thankful of.. Also I take consciousness of what frustrates me and try to think of avenues or of a direction I will take in the morning to try and overcome this "thing", whatever it is..
Great bedtime stories exist and one should not feel ashamed to read one or many even to oneself, no matter what one's age is..
Come on, I'm 31 years old... heck, maybe I'm venting for all I know! Be well, and sleep tight.. All will be alright, I promise you. For you have experienced a loss, you are having experiences which are grave, and I respect the solemnity of what you have shared with us here in this "forum" of sorts. I am doing extremely well today, on the 12th of February, 2009, insofar as sleep and grief in general are concerned. That is why I came here today, for I have finished grieving the loss of my grandfather.. He died on the 12th of January, 1988 or 1989..
My grieving process was extremely complicated and involved a debilitating mental illness as well as a comorbid state of suffering from a severe substance abuse disorder.. and it just happened that after my grandfather's death, I just lost someone or something or other at an even rate for 21 years.. So I never stopped grieving..
But grief is possibly the most meaningful part or aspect of any human life.. But right now I wouldn't worry about such philosophical ruminating or contemplation.. Just think of the good times.. and yeah, it's gonna hurt a little and you're gonna cry... crying never hurt anyone and it's okay to let go... the grieving process is different for everyone.. remember, the grieving process is different for everyone and for anyone it is never the same from one loss to another... this is great news.. you cannot go wrong.. just let the process take its course... you will have moments of profound joy and profound recollection... and sound sleep, that much is absolutely certain.. Thank you, my dear friend, for sharing your story and your pain.. I will sleep soundly tonight knowing that I am not alone in this world.. Though I have lost much and lost many that have been dear to me.. I know that others too have lost.. and what we all share in the end is to have BEEN HERE... at least for some length of time..
A.