One year ago tonight was the last time I spoke to Ron, he fell asleep on the sofa I went into bed and when I woke up at 4:30am to use the powder room - I went to check on him and he was not snoring so I walked around the sofa and the only light was the TV - It did not look like he was breathing and I reached over for hand saying Ron wake up and when I touched his hand and it was cold and he was not responsive I shook his hand - his arm - and then put my hands on his cold face saying more and more loudly Ron wake up! and there was no response and then I just started to say Oh God Oh God wake up don't do this to me - Is this really happening? Oh God I do not remember much for a few moments after that except I went and put on a fleece shirt grabbed my cell phone opened the front door, turned on the lights and called 911 - I was on autopilot - when 911 answered I quickly and very clinically (where did that come from) said Ron's full name and the address and situation and asked for an ambulance they put me hold and someone picked up and I immediately repeated what I had said and the person asked where is he and I said "Have you dispatched the ambulance?!" and the man responded "yes, we need you start CPR" and then they asked where he was and said I had to get him on the floor and I tried several times with the guy asking is he on the floor and I said "No, I cannot move him" (He was a big man, not overweight just big) and my heart was pounding so hard and my breathing was so erratic I thought I was going to faint - but I got him on the floor - I do not remember how but I did and his head was a little cockeyed so I had to straighten him out by bracing my feet on the sectional and pulling him down the carpet and then - that is when I saw his face clearly he was purple and his face was two or three times its normal size and the guy asked me if he had a heartbeat and I said I cannot tell because my own heart was pounding in my ears, the man talked me through the CPR till the paramedics arrived -I heard the front door open and I got up and walked backwards so as not to see them and went in the dining room and tried to calm down because I was shaking so hard and my heart was racing and I was hyperventilating I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack - the police showed up and asked me a bunch of questions and I could not even remember the year Ron was born - I kept standing up and sitting down asking "Is he dead?" and then saying "No don't tell me I cannot handle it" I think I did this fifty times or so - up and down up and down - they took him out as a code and I remember thinking oh a code - code is not dead but knowing on some level in my subconscious that code is dead - I wanted to go with him so he was not alone but the police told me I could not leave because they considered it a crime scene if he was dead - I was mortified, it seemed so callous - They got a heart beat when he was in the ambulance but the police did not know this for about an hour - there is a lot more about how I figured out how to get a hold of his sister - I could not think straight. I could not call his parents his Mother had just gone into remission after a year of Chemo for breast cancer and his father had just been diagnosed with liver, lung and stomach cancer - finally I found his sisters phone number and the police called her and she started screaming and I grabbed the phone from the officer and told her what had happened and begged her to get the hospital so he would not be alone. So I guess I am nervous I will wake up at 4:30am and or be plagued by these memories in my dreams tonight - I have not had those dreams for awhile - Sorry I am being so wordy and I will probably be posting for the next couple of days trying to exorcise some of these horrific flashbacks - I actually feel a little better sharing some of what happened - Thanks
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