I lost my boyfriend a month ago. I found him dead in our apartment from a combination of heroin and ativan. It was not intentional but something I wasn't expecting. He had gotten out of rehab about 2 weeks prior and he was doing outpatient care and seeing a therapist. I knew he had used twice before this happened. I just asked him if he went back to the heroin not to take his medication that day. He of course lied to me but I knew the truth. I wasn't upset with him because I knew the process and assumed he would use again. I loved him more than anyone else I have ever known. The night before he died I wouldn't talk to him because I knew he had used that day. I didn't get upset with him and we watched a movie together. At the end of the movie we were both crying because it was amazing and he came over to my couch and just held me in a way he had never done before. He told me he knew I was the one for him and he wanted to marry me and have children with me which is something he never thought he would do. It was so beautiful and I remember telling my sister the next day how awesome it was. He told me these things before but this time was different. Almost like he knew he had to say that to me at that very moment. He was an amazing man who showed me how to live and love completely with no restrictions. It had been a tough year for us dealing with his addiction but i know from the bottom of my heart he wanted to get better not for me but for him. Ever since the day he died I have been so lost and empty inside. I have NO: support system in place. People don't understand about heroin addictions so it is assumed he was a bad person in the first place. That breaks my heart even more. My family doesn't even call to see how I am doing. His family are all addicts and for what they can offer they have been really good to me. Unfortunately I can't deal with the addiction part anymore. I have to go to work everyday and people there think I should just be ok now. I haven't even grieved him being gone because I haven't been able to admit it to myself yet. I am tyring to find counseling and that hasn't worked for me yet. I sit at home every night by myself and it hurts so much. I beg him to come back for me and take me away from this horrible pain and he hasn't come. I don't want it to be better and I can't move out of this black hole I have fallen into. I don't know what to do with myself so I am reaching for anyone who can help me. He had just turned 30 on january 4th and died january 22. He was my whole life. My best friend, my lover, my everything. How can this get any better because I can't seem to understand why people say in time it will be easier. And I don't want people to tell me how strong I am anymore. I don't show emotion to ANYONE. If only they knew what I went through when I was by myself. I am so angry and bordering on mental that it is very easy for me to lash out on everyone. I need to know if this is normal because I am so afraid I am going to lose my mind one of these days and I won't see it coming. Is there anyone who understands????
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