July 12,1991,I received a phone call that my oldest brother had been killed in a car accident.He was the first person that I had ever lost and his death taught me what being a survivor is all about.Over the years,it seemed that my life was filled with more and more losses.My grandparents,great uncles,aunts,cousins,etc...2001,my husband became ill.Our whole lives changed.I became his full time caregiver.We bought a house across the street from my parents thinking that they could help me with our two children on those times we had to make the late night hospital trips.In six months of moving next door,my mother became bedridden with a host of medical problems.Six months after that,my Dad was diagnosed with an illness that would take his life on Nov 15,2004..I found myself taking care of my husband,mother and dad and raising our two girls. After my Dad's death,my mother was in the hospital in Sept 2005.I came home one night from picking up one of my daughters from a ballgame to find my parent's house on fire,my beautiful childhood home that they had lived in for over 38 years.It was completely destroyed.January of 2006,I lost my Uncle Jim to a stroke and then,six months to the day of his death,I lost my Uncle Terry,at the age of 51 to cancer..Today,I am continuing to care for my husband and my mother.For so long there have been so many things happening,so many losses that I would never allow myself to grieve or break down,because I was afraid that I would never stop crying..Lately,the tears seem to come when I least expect them and my heart feels as though it will never heal.I know I am losing my husband and my mother and it scares me thinking of life with out them.My husband is 47 and we have been married almost 20 years.I have tried to be strong for my daughters,my mother and all those that are depending on me,but lately,I don't feel as though I can continue being strong for everyone.My life was once so 'charmed'.My husband and I had a very comfortable life and I often long not to necessarily go back to that life,but to just have a normal life.A life without pain and loss and sickness and dr's appts,hospitals and clinics....death. I cried most of the day yesterday thinking of my Daddy and how each Valentine's Day he always bought me a box of candy,even after I was married.I thought of how my husband sent me roses and all those Valentine's Day memories that we had together.I am grateful for the memories,but I miss the men! My husband is so ill and depends upon me to do everything for him.He can't bathe or walk or well,do anything,but suffer.I so often wish I could take his pain and make it mine,give him just a day of relief,a time that he is not suffering in pain.
I am hurting so deeply.My parent's wedding anniversary is this week and then,my Dad's birthday is on the 29th of Feb.A leap year baby!
I miss my Daddy! He died on Nov.15,2004 and here it is Feb of 2007 and I feel as though his death has just happened..So much pain..