Bereavement Support Group

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How to stop grieving...

I have been greivng the murder of my friend for 2 years and 2 months. He was murdered June 21st 2008. Exactly 1 day after his 28th Birthday. I still think about him a lot and all the good times we had. My heart aches. The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was when I first found out..having said that I can't stop grieving. How do I stop? How do I let go? Will this pain ever go away? It has been over 2 years and I still can't get over it or accept it. Any advice would be appreciated.



I am actively trying to control my grief as it has taken over my life. I do not have all the answers. I will share what seems to be working. I allow myself a certain amount of time to feel the pain and deal with it. I know I have to control my day, so personally I have told myself after 9:30 PM I will allow myself to feel all of this. I have gotten a note book and after 9:30 I sit and write to my sister. I write all I am feeling even if it is repeating myself. I tell her when I am angry and when I am sad. I say out loud, I am grieving for me. I also do something in her honor - something that she would like, even if I do not. She was an animal lover. Me, not so much. But in order to actively DO something to make myself feel better - I volunteer at the animal shelter. Sometimes I walk the dogs. Sometimes I do paper work and when it is just too much for me, I buy dog food and donate it. I think it is okay to grieve, but your mind is a powerful thing and it is okay to give yourself permission not to grieve when it is disruptive. Good luck to you.

There is a site that I found just before i found this one. It's called "Grief Share". I subscribed to their daily e-mail that offers advice on how to deal with our own grief. This morning, I received the 4th message from them:

"Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected
Day 4

Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.

Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.

"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year--Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).

"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).

Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen."

As I have mentioned in previous postings here, I never had much of a relationship with God, (until now), and you may not either. So I do not mean to preach at you at all. I just wanted to share with you what I received in my e-mail this very morning, and I hope that my sharing it with you will help you in some way..........Joe

I grieved the loss of my entire first family for years. Grief is not like climbing a hill and when you get to the top it is "over". Grief is more like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you are up and OK the next you feel like you are falling into a deep abyss. There is no time limit on it. For five years, every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers' Day, my birthday, Easter, were horrible. I would just get over the heart ache of one holiday and the next one was around the corner.

We lost our son at birth. On what would have been his 25th birthday I cried all the way to work and even at work I had a hard time pulling myself together.

The key is in your words "the pain is nowhere near as bad as it was" It does loose its grip as time goes by. Unfortunately it does catch you by surprise every once in awhile like a special anniversary of something. You will wake up and feel sad and not know why and then it will come to you, today would be ????

There is no easy way. Just your way. Grief is very personal and how you grieve and how long you grieve is in your own time. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. Let the feelings wash over you and then begin again. But keep going. It does get better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom was killed by a distracted driver in April 09 and I was taken back by how long and difficult grief would grip my life. But one thing about grief is if you didn't have such a wonderful relationship, you wouldn't be grieving so hard. That has helped me (a little).

Here are some of the other things I have done that has helped me and continues to help. While I don't cry every day like I had for 6 months - I still cry at least once a week. You may never "get over it", but you can learn to live with it.

See a grief counselor
Exercise (walking outside and yoga)
Saw a medium (I wasn't a believer but I was able to make contact w/my Mom and now I know when she is with me)
Anti-depressants (depending on how much you're still grieving, you may want to discuss this w/your doctor)
Talk to my friends who just listen
Read books on spirituality and grieving (I can send you a list if you're interested)
Massage therapy/Reiki
Am an advocate against distracted driving (I will be speaking in Washington DC next month)

You may also want to try a support group and/or join a spiritual community (church or whatever your faith may be). Make sure you find what works for you... what works for one person may not work for you. But it all comes down to getting and receiving support.

Blessings to you.

I don't think a person ever stops grieving for someone so young losing their life in such a terrible way. I'm so sorry your friend is not here with you now. He should be. That being said, I think your grief will take different forms over the years, but something so terrible and tragic, I don't think you ever leave it behind completely. This is the new normal, and a good goal to set is to be as happy in your life as you can be given your terrible loss. Have you ever tried a grief support group? It helped me to make it through the day knowing I had a place to go each week where I could sit and talk to people who understood living with loss.

In the Hospice Grie Group that I went to we did any number of things in addition to talking. I certainly found the talking immensely helpful, but surprisingly for me, some of the non-verbal things we did were also (strangely?) helpful.

There would always be mandalas and magic markers to draw with. There were letters to write and lists to make.

There was a whole evening where we made dioramas of our story, and I was able to start with the deaths in my childhood and work right on up to the present, something I've NEVER been able to do before. The Art Therapist who brought all the materials (they filled the room) took a picture of each completed scene.

We made candle holders and vases to create a memorials for our loved ones....

I wonder of a group like this or exercises like thee might help you, they certainly did help me,,,,

You've received some great responses. I lost my husband 9 years ago, and of course I'm not actively grieving now. But there are times, especially his birthday, which ironically is Sept. 11, is coming up, and I do get sad and reflective. But it does ease in time and you must be very kind and patient with yourself. Grieving, as another poster said, is very personal and private, and how long it last is different for each of us. Take special care of yourself when these times hit you, and try to avoid as much stress as you can. God bless you and take care. Hugs, Lee

I think we never quit grieving the grief just changes and we grieve differently as time passes. But it is only an opinion sometimes I wish I could stop!

it has been nearly 4 years since i have lost my grandson. most days now are more controlled than other, but my future son-in-law stirred up a real deep hurt just yesterday. you didn't mention any about the killer and if they had been brought to justice. if not when this happens it will give you some closure. we are here are you need us just ask
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