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I left this site for awhile because it reminds me so much of dad's sickness and his final death. So, having said that, he had cancer and enivitably, the same thing happens to all of us survivors. Here's my issue. Holidays are approaching and dad's no longer here. Painful enough to deal with that, now how do I deal with the "traditions" gone?
During my dad's illness, I was very involved in all his appt's and treatment. His wife I found out hated me for this and was extremely jealous. Nice to my face, wicked behind my back. Her son told me this a few months into his treatment as we were all fighting. I didn't care because my dad continued to call me for help and to ensure I was with him at the appts.
The day he died, his wife wouldn't allow me to help with the final arrangements. She planned on her daughter going with her. I asked and she made me feel horrible. My husband stepped in and reminded her that I had just lost my father and regardless of the fact it was her husband, I was his only daughter and needed to do this. She explained to me that day her jealously over him wanting me and not her throughout his illness. His anger taken out on her and never me. I always knew this and would yell at my dad to be nice to her (in front of her even). I don't know why he was nice to me but he felt safe I think.
He passed in July and since, it's been difficult to stay in touch with my "steps". I try, I reach out but no return calls or days later if they are. My step mom hardly ever returns a call. Thanksgiving night my brothers and I would end at my dads house. We'd go to pick kids names for Christmas. My dad begged me and his wife to keep our families together. I told him he was telling the wrong people. He never believed us.
So what now? Do I let this tradition die? Do I reach out and keep trying? How long do I continue to try? I'm mourning not only my dad but also his "other" family. Sometimes it angers me that he left everything to her and she'll leave it all to her kids. He thought it would all be split but we all knew better.
During my dad's illness, I was very involved in all his appt's and treatment. His wife I found out hated me for this and was extremely jealous. Nice to my face, wicked behind my back. Her son told me this a few months into his treatment as we were all fighting. I didn't care because my dad continued to call me for help and to ensure I was with him at the appts.
The day he died, his wife wouldn't allow me to help with the final arrangements. She planned on her daughter going with her. I asked and she made me feel horrible. My husband stepped in and reminded her that I had just lost my father and regardless of the fact it was her husband, I was his only daughter and needed to do this. She explained to me that day her jealously over him wanting me and not her throughout his illness. His anger taken out on her and never me. I always knew this and would yell at my dad to be nice to her (in front of her even). I don't know why he was nice to me but he felt safe I think.
He passed in July and since, it's been difficult to stay in touch with my "steps". I try, I reach out but no return calls or days later if they are. My step mom hardly ever returns a call. Thanksgiving night my brothers and I would end at my dads house. We'd go to pick kids names for Christmas. My dad begged me and his wife to keep our families together. I told him he was telling the wrong people. He never believed us.
So what now? Do I let this tradition die? Do I reach out and keep trying? How long do I continue to try? I'm mourning not only my dad but also his "other" family. Sometimes it angers me that he left everything to her and she'll leave it all to her kids. He thought it would all be split but we all knew better.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I would sit down, write a well thought out letter to her telling her just how much the holidays mean to you, your children and your father and how much your dad had wanted it all to continue. If your children like her, tell her just how much they would not only miss grandpa but "grandma" too if she discontinues tradition. Apologize even if it's not your fault. Sometimes the elderly matriarch wants an apology or they hold a grudge for a long time. (My MIL is this way). Tell her you need to know by a certain date so your family can make other plans for your children if the tradition is stopping. Then if she stops it or you don't hear from her, start a NEW tradition with your own family! Do something really fun which you know you can do every year for your kids and that they will remember and want to do when they grow up