I lost my husband 2 years ago to cancer. He was only 48 yrs old and I was only 39 yrs old. He was the love of my life and my best friend. I think of him and miss him everyday. Life is very difficult still. The spark has gone out of living and I question why I'm still here all of the time. I've read many books on grieving and know that my feelings are quite normal but it doesn't make it much easier. The thing that plagues me the most is how I treated my husband during his sickness. He was sick appx. 1.5 years before his stint in the hospital and hospice. His final 6 mos. I took off work and was with him 24/7. I look back at that time and wish so much that I was kinder to him. For the most part I think I did okay but sometimes I was impatient and unkind. I think I was so angry and hurt that this was happening to us that sometimes I took it out on him. I was barely holding it together but I tried to be strong for him meanwhile I was dying inside. It killed him if I cried so I didn't do it very often. I just so wish I could take those times back. I wish he knew how much I was hurting and that it wasn't him. Everyone thinks I was so great thru the whole thing but I remember these moments. It sickens me and breaks my heart that I couldn't overcome my feelings and be a better person. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over this.
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