im so sorry about what your going throughx its not your fault! but what your feeling is normalx

I know exactly how you feel as my husband and I were separated and trying to talk and work through things. He died suddenly on Mother's Day. He had been out of detox for a month. But too much damage done to his body and it gave out. At least that is what it looks like. Still don't have final autopsy results yet.

I have been waiting for the phone to ring with his daily call to the kids for weeks now and it never comes. I even had his cell phone shut off so the kids couldn't try and call him. But I admit I have called it a few times because I needed to hear the no longer in service message.

You are not alone and the grief comes after the shock starts to wear off and for me that took a couple of weeks to happen.

I am sorry for your loss and I know the pain of things being unresolved.

Ok It just happened. Think of an explosion. Things have to quiet down after the initial blast.

It has been two weeks since my husband died. I still wait for the phone to ring or for him to walk in the door.

There are always ambiguities in life. In looking at his phone contact list I am wondering if my husband loved me.

In the end we can't ever know everything about another person's life or what would have happened if.... Just take what you have and cherish it.

I understand a lot of what you are talking about - you have a lot of emotions hitting you at once, and maybe it is short ciruiting your mind.
One thing you need to get in your head first -
It was not your fault in any way whatsoever.
If you can solidly get that processed first, it will make dealing with all the rest of the feelings and questions a whole lot easier.
It is OK for a while to be in denial - it is not always a bad thing. And you are not completely in denial. You acknowledge he has died, and even how he died.
Some people still think they are not dead!!
So you are OK, You're not loosing your mind. Just take one day at a time.

I understand completely what you are going through. I too feel like he is going to call me at any moment - which is weird because I know that he is not. What has given me comfort at the moment is that I know that he needed to go....even though I didn't want him to leave. There are times that I get upset, not at him but at life, because we had soo many plans for our future all mapped out. Part of me feels like he took all of those hopes and dreams that I had with me. But I know that I cannot be mad at him because I know that he didn't want to hurt me by leaving.

I want to be able to understand why he left but its sooo hard because what we had and the love that we shared was rare. And that makes it difficult.

It sounds like you're waiting to know exactly what happened before you can grieve. Do anything you can to work thru that uncertainty. Talk to someone else who might have had contact with him more recently than you did. Talk to the M.E. who did the autopsy (if there was one), or the police at the scene. You might be able to get more information to fill in those gaps, or at least reassure yourself you tried everything you could.