So I am in a serious funk, since late yesterday and I feel like crap. I am trying so hard to be more active, alive, and helpful because honestly it does make me feel better. I get on DS and I feel better. But then the sky caves in on me and that is it. Everything turns black. Now I sit here and think, Jason is dead, I am still alive, I think! When the bullet entered his head, he fell to the ground, alone, when he was being beaten, he was alone, on that desolate, scary levee road that is water on one side and corn on the other, it is a horrible place. My son was taken out to this place and what must he have been thinking? Did he beg for his life? Did he tell the person that he had a baby at home? Did he cry out for me? I will never know the answers to these questions, but when I can't shut the questions off, I think, he is dead and I am still alive, I think! I don't know if I am, am I alive? I don't feel it today. I feel dead inside, I have had the last week, feeling so upbeat, and now I am at the bottom of the barrel. I don't feel alive today. Every muscle in my body hurts, just walking from room to room is a challenge, GOD, I can't take it. He is dead and I am alive. I don't want that . He was 21 years old, his whole life ahead of him, it is not fair. He is dead and I am still alive, it is not fair and when am I going to feel better about this? When is the pain going to ease up, it has been since 1/1/07. When am I going to stop picturing him begging for his life on that road that night? Days like this are so hard, he is dead and I am still alive, but today, I don't feel it.
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