I went to Mom's grave today to trim it for Christmas. I've been there more times since her passing than I think I've ever been (while she was alive) in years' worth. Everything went okay until the drive back.

I had sort of come to terms with all the mistakes, blunders and problems involved with her passing and funeral (mine, as well as others). But after it had eased up to the point of not even thinking about it, even in subsequent visits to her grave, today on the drive back I was haunted - by how badly I handled everything. So very little that I can put blame on anyone else. It became worse hours later by the time I'd done other errands and arrived home.

It's back. The thought/memory of Mom's wake/funeral and how/where she was buried - at my stupid mistake. The rest of the day I could hear the words she'd have said, if she were alive. She'd be incredulous at what I'd done or why. I've got a pit-in-the-stomach feeling tonight wondering at my stupidity during what should have been such simple procedures - even at an emotional time. I had "let it go" to a point but now I know how she'd feel. Even now, she'd be furious with me. And you know, I couldn't blame her. I can't use stress or other excuses. I'm no babe in the woods...Utter stupidity is my only excuse.