i dont know how to describe this my life is living hell right now. none of my friends care and when i need to talk they just say yeah... and go on with there problem. i have noone to talk to about grief and it really sucks. i feel like i am drowning. the depth of the water gets deeper and deeper. i try and forget about the fact that my grandad died cause that is the only way that i can go on. but when my grandma comes to visit it kills me. its feels like i lost my grandad and my grandma. before my grandad died, her husband of 60 years, she was a fun loving person. she would always find something to make me laugh and she would always be so happy, i dont know how she did this when her husband was dying. whenever i was sad she would comfort me, but now thats all gone. now that my grandad died she just is sad and depressed and cranky and negative. i dont want her to feel like i do with know one to talk to or understand i want her to be happy so i just listen to what she needs to get out and then try and fight back my tears. i cant cry in front of her. she wont cry in front of me. so i just cant. she hates it when i cry. i feel like everyone has there own problems to deal with and they don't need mine to deal with to so i do my best to cry alone. i feel like all my grandmas sadness is just adding on to mine and now i'm just stuck in this constant swirling tornado. i dont know how to function in school. i cnt focus at all. and i worry about failing out all day. i'm shaking all day at school and ive never had so much anxiety. its scary i have so many emotions swirling through my head and i dont know how to process them. this is going to be forever long im sorry but i need to get it out some how. i feel like the people on here are the only ones who care and that understand me. i just cant do this i'm just so lonely. i have friends at school but i'm shy and i cnt talk to anyone about this, not like they would care. Ive begged my mom to find me a grief group but we can't find anything. i have searched on google and it all just for a sibling, a parent, or a primary care giver. thats so annoying. people just think that when they lose a grandparent or a friend it doesnt hurt and we dont need help. i feel so isolated and i could go on and on but ill end this
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