It has been four months today that the angels came and took my Cayden home. I still find myself, waking up in the morning coming downstairs sitting and the table and then all of a sudden thinking, Oh my god he is never coming back to me. I will not see him again until my time has ended. I do this alot, its not that I am in denial, I know he is gone, but sometimes I think he is just away, maybe at grandmas or something and he will be back. I had a dream the other night that my aunt that I dont see very often brought him home. Except he had a hoodie on and the hood was up over his head and i could not see his face. I ran to him and grabbed him hugged and kisses him but I never did get to see his face. What does this mean? I find myself trying to remember his little precious voice and every single detail about him. I am so afraid all of that is going to leave me and I wont be able to remember what he sounds like anymore. it still, in a way, all seems like it is a dream to me and I am still waiting to wake up and everything will be ok. we have to move out of our house march 15 as we are renting and they are selling it. This has me really upset, I know it is just a house, as everyone tells me. But there are so many memories here and i feel when we move we will be leaving all of that behind. the hardest part for me, is going to be taking down caydens room and knowing that we will never be putting it back up again. That room has been a great comfort to me over the months, somewhere i can go to talk to him and just feel closer to him. Everyone is telling me, now would be a good time to go through his things, keep what you want and do something with the rest. This really bothers me, I DO NOT want to get rid of his thing, none of them. I am not ready right now. all of his toys are in his toy box all of his clothes are in his dresser just where i want them to stay, Am I being silly with this? I feel there will come a day when I am ready to part with some of those things but that time i just not right now.
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