My brother died July 22, 2007 in a single car roll over. I had a hard time at first but then I guess I suppressed my feelings. They would surface occasionally, but for the most part I was ok. Around the same time I entered program for my eating disorder and AA, I have just been flooded with emotion and anxiety about his death. I think that I have learned to open myself up in program and therefore started tearing down walls of protection. Either that or just delayed grief. I have been reading a lot of books and that seems to happen a lot. Anyway, I had a breakdown last night after my sister sent me a picture of our family and I was holding my brothers shoulders in the photo. I had that horrible feeling I have grown to loath. My chest felt like I had an elephant crushing me. I could hardly breath, I wanted to break something, I was so numb that I could hardly move. I had called my mom, and she set on the phone talking me though it. I was so confused and lost that I just wanted to scream. Nothing made sense, this deep pit of emptiness filled my heart, I had visions flashing through my brain, and I couldn't handle it. Thank God for God and family. I could not have made it through last night without both of those. I am so wore out today I don't want to talk to people or interact with anyone. I don't know if that is healthy, but that is how I feel. I just want to be home alone with my dog and just relax. I hope all of you who have suffered loss can find peace today. My thoughts are with you all today.
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