To lose anyone in life is the most difficult process we have to go through. It often leaves even the most God fearing person wondering, what is the purpose of life? Losing a child is the worse of any passing. I often wondered myself how do the mothers or fathers keep going? One of my best friends lost a child through murder, who was like a son to me, a little under two years ago. He was also the father of my grandson. I knew a little of what she was and is feeling. However no one except she, knew the true agony, pain, numbness and emptiness that she was feeling. The pain of coming home to your empty home or passing by the bedroom that was his. I couldnt fathom how she felt or what I could do or say to help. Realizing of course that there isnt anything to say, because even the words Im sorry for your loss or Im here if you need me, ore, even though said with the best intentions and from the heart dont replace that child or remove the numbness. Then it happened to me!! Our daughter was sick with what seemed like a very bad cold. Then on the morning of March 8th ,2008, at 5:00am she asked me to take her to the ER because her chest was hurting and she was having trouble breathing. My grand daughter (8) was awake and so the three of us went. After just forty-five minutes and no x-rays, no blood work and no nose swab to see if it was flu the ER doctor, if you will, proceeds to tell her that she had a case of the flu and that they were going to give her a breathing treatment, 600mg of Ibuprofen, scripts for Ibuprofen and an inhaler. Then she had to go home and tough it out, that there were no antibiotics that would even help. The whole time hes talking, shes doubled over on the hospital bed, coughing and holding her chest. Now I am not in any way a nurse or doctor, but common sense should have told him or the nurse that this girl need a chest x-ray and to be admitted. Sunday she started coughing up blood, dark blood and in chunks. There wasnt an over abundance of blood but enough that I was concerned and so I called the ER back and told the nurse that answered the phone that my daughter was in there yesterday with a terrible cough and chest pain, what was done for her and now shes coughing up blood. And? , was the responds I got. And!, what do you mean and?, I said. Well I cant see the amount of blood or if its dark red, pink or bright red!, she responded. I can see it, and I can tell you its dark red and chunks. , I said. Well you need to make the call, she said, I cant tell you if you need to bring her in or not, you need to decide that. Sometimes coughing up blood is normal. You will need to decide if thats what you want to do. My daughter didnt want to go back to that hospital so honoring her decision I promised her if I had to take her to the doctors office and sit there till they saw her, thats what I was going to do Monday morning. I took her in, they saw her right away. The doctor told me he wanted her admitted, fluids started and tests ran. By that time she was saying she couldnt feel her arms and that her legs were cold and hurting. I had to use the wheelchair to get her to my car. Upon arriving back at the same hospital I ran inside and got a wheelchair. No one asked me if I needed help, just told me where the chair was and that I should make sure to bring it(the wheelchair) back to ER. I got her in the chair and wheeled her in with my grandson(4) at my side. Because the doctor wanted her admitted I took her to admitting. Oh no they said, you have to take her to ER, they are waiting for her there. So I took her to the triage room and handed her the paper work. She proceeds to pick up the phone to debate with an nurse where they were going to put her. The fluids and antibiotics should have been started right away, instead my daughter coded in front of me and her son! I had to beg them to do something. The triage nurse grabs the wheelchair front and pulls the chair into the ER section looking at the nurse and says, this isnt good! The one nurse tells the other nurse to call code. They pull the chair to an empty bed. The two pick my daughter up under the arms, like she will be able to walk to the bed, and she falls to the floor, right in front of me and her son. Then they wont let me in to see her. The ER doctor on duty stops me in while I am trying to find someone to get me some information and the phone number for my daughters job. He (the doctor) tells me he needs some information about my daughter. Information, you want information, I brought my daughter in her Saturday morning complaining of chest pain, difficulty breathing and a bad cough, your ER doctor blew her of saying she had the flu and she needed to tough it out, giving her no antibiotics because they wouldnt help. Well I guess she really toughed it out didnt she cause shes dying now. I finally was given the phone number for my daughters job. I call my other daughter to come to the hospital because her sister just coded. And the rest is history! And now I feel the pain, numbness, agony, anger, lost.............. I walk past her room, I made out the thank you cards, I packed up her clothes, I smell her sent, I hear her voice, I wait for her return, I want to trade my life for hers, I look for answers as to why. I mourn my child. That I carried inside me for nine months, carried in my arms till she could walk, held in my arms even after she could walk because I didnt want to stop carrying her, nor did I want her to grow up. I wanted both my girls to stay little forever. There is nothing more rewarding, more exciting then to feel your unborn child move inside you for the first time. There is nothing more painful more numbing more lingering then to see your child die in front of you knowing there is nothing you can do, but also knowing that theres something that could have been done to prevent it. So now I know what its like to lose your child, what its like to experience that pain, numbness, agony, emptiness.................. Now I know my life will never be the same that even though I have another daughter, and my grandchildren, (children of my daughter that passed away), things will be forever different and lonely. I also know that I will forever feel that pain!
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