I come out here and try to give support. I try to say the right things. I try to bring people up BUT it sometimes feels like I am bullshitting. When someone loses a child we can try to say it will get better, time heals, God's will and all of that... truth is ... the day our children died we did too. We want to go right along with them.. it hurts that much. Does it get better... should I lie... I won't... NO, NO and NO.... it doesn't. It is there forever. It is in every breath you take. You want to die, you dream of it because then you will be with them again... BUT others need us. We live and in this living we suffer. We go through the motions. People think we are OK. WE ARE NOT! I want to help people with all of this but I feel like I am just feeding them a bunch of lies. Truth is losing a child sucks and sucks and sucks! Sorry... I am in pain tonight. Miss my son and always will. Want to leave this earth to be with him but have others (his brothers and a sister) that need me - that sucks too... I have to live.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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