I watch it happen in my mind's eye on endless repeat. I mentally go back over any warning signs that could have clued me in that something was wrong and think back with my 20/20 hindsight to any mistakes I made that contributed to the final outcome. Loss is still the strongest word I can use to describe this,but the pain it's describing is so much more than that. I can hear him joking with me about celebrating my last day of student teaching back at the college with the chocolate cake my students baked for me. It was the last thing he ever said. We were driving to the campus and hauling all of my stuff back. One minute he was in the van in my rearview mirror, and the next the van was spiraling down an embankment and he was flying through the air. It was instant. They still don't know why it happened. It could have been a vehicular malfunction, health issue, or distraction from trying to adjust the stuff we were moving. They don't know. I don't know. How do you find closure and avoid self blame when there is no evidence to point in other directions that will help you confirm or deny it? I know it shouldn't matter if it was my fault, and yet it does.
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