Its been 10 days since my friend was killed in a hit and run on the side of the highway. She was hit by a tractor trailer and 2 other vehicles before a 4th passing motorist called the police. It sounds like a made up horror story. The day of her funeral they finally found the drivers, but the investigation is still ongoing. The more information they release, the less the situation makes sense to me.

She is the roommate of one of my best friends. I say "is" because even if the school assignes someone else to the room, she will always be my friend's roommate. We were fairly good friends, and I feel like i know everything about her between my own experiences and the endless stories my friend was always sharing. I took for granted that she would always be there: next weekend to hang out, next year to live together, and the list goes on.

Many people have told me I'm handling it better than they ever could, and I guess it seems that way since during the day I distract myself with making sure all our other friends are ok, and keep myself busy with little things like cleaning my room, doing the dishes (the 4 guys I live with love how clean the place is) - anything that takes time but not concentration.

Its bad at night though. I haven't gotten to sleep before 4am, and I can't concentrate on my school work for anything. I haven't done anything but show up to class. I'm behind in everything and can't do anything about it cause anytime I sit down to do anything, I just get frustrated and end up crying for hours. I have tests to make up, more coming up, and papers coming due - I'm pretty much going to fail school.

Mutual friends have been great, we get together every night and eat obscene amounts of ice cream and hot fudge that would make most people sick. We talk and follow the investigation together. All my other friends, though, i've managed to push away - all they want to do is talk, or they just sit there desperately trying to find something to say. I've even managed to push my best friend so far away that he's choosing to go out with 17 year olds he hardly knows over me.

I know it's only been 10 days, but with a college course-load, 10 days is forever. Everything's falling apart and I don't know what to do. I've always been the strong one, and am not used to having to ask for help. I've always had the answer, and been able to find joy in the things I love, but I can't now, and I feel so lost :(